Shooting At Shadows
by rgs38
Summary: Sam expected home to be safe, safer than a war zone at least but when tragedy strikes and the war turns inward who will save Sam from himself. Sam before and after "One Wrong Move." I know, corny summary, just read. Cursing, spoilers, death, abuse
1. Chapter 1

Shooting at Shadows

_I'm back for a bit, at least until my workload picks up again but I'll see what I can pound through in the next couple of days while I'm free(ish). This story has been in my head since I wrote my other story "Nothing's Broken" and if you haven't read it and you'll excuse my self-indulgent plug, read it! Well you should at least read Chapters 9 and 10 of that one, they'll be important here but I'll fit them in somewhere, you might see some repeated descriptions or implications from that story. So this Samtastic story idea was present and partially written when I saw the season finale...that kind of messed with things, so I'm going to do my best to try and forget about that finale (that's probably better than thinking about it, it was so frustrating). Thanks a lot to Taboo-Hearts, Tinkerpanda, iheartlife, and .Naxen for all their support and help in seeing those final episodes. So here we go, still don't own anything, still would love to hear what you think._

"Come on Spike, we're still doing the old 'haze-the-rookie routine? It's been years..." Sam said partially annoyed but mostly amused. He didn't mind the pranks too much, at least they had accepted him as a part of the team. he knew from first hand experience that newcomers were not always welcomed with open arms.

"Oh, it's not a rookie thing anymore Sam," Spike said with a genuine voice as he tried to hold back his laughter. "No, I thought that you must have run out of shaving cream or something, that little peach fuzz, what are you going for here? Five o'clock shadow bad ass hero...or did you just not have your razor this morning?" Spike nudged as his tone became a joking implication. Sam continued to clean the shaving cream from his locker.

"No, I overslept and didn't have time to shave." Sam said with a tone of mock annoyance.

"Sure Samtastic, whatever you say..." Spike joked as Ed and Wordy entered the locker room.

"You have a little accident Sam?" Wordy asked while trying to hold back laughter as he opened his locker. Ed joined the banter as he took off his t-shirt.

"What, your shaving cream explode...oh is that why you're going all teenage rebellion, I'm-not-conforming-to you, shaving strike?

"I overslept." Sam said with a smile but trying to seem annoyed.

"Umhum, and how is Jules doing?" Wordy asked with a joking tone.

"I don't know, haven't seen her this morning, ask her yourself." Sam tried to be nonchalant. He finished cleaning up the shaving cream from his locker door and stood quickly to stretch his back. He stepped on a small dot of the white foam at just the right angle as he moved to wash his hands he slipped, falling flat on his back.

"Sam," Lou said as he bounded over to his fallen friend. Lou had just entered the locker room and was the first to see Sam fall. Before anyone else realized what was going on Lou was kneeling next to Sam, followed quickly by Spike, Ed, and Wordy. Sam was laying on the ground, his eyes closed but still conscious. Lou and Spike made room for Ed who had seamlessly slipped into Team Leader mode and knelt next to Sam speaking softly with a tone of calm urgency in his voice.

"Sam? Sam, relax buddy." Ed prompted as he put his hand gently on Sam's upper arm. He had been clutching his head tightly like he'd hit it. He still hadn't opened his eyes and was gritting his teeth but he was calming down.

"I'm good, I'm fine." He said as he took a few deep breaths. "Just a little bump, no harm." Sam said as he opened his eyes a crack and relaxed himself.

"I hear you Sam but I want to see before we jump to any conclusions here, it was a hard hit." Ed said gently but with his usual tone of authority. Sam took a few more deep breaths and moved to try and sit up. Wordy knelt behind him and acted as a support as Lou and Spike grabbed Sam's arms and helped him into a sitting position. They turned him and leaned him so his back was against the lockers.

"Seriously guys, I'm fine." Sam said as he regained his composure after the unexpected fall. "Look, there isn't even any blood." Sam said as he reached around to the back of his head and showed them that his hand returned clean.

"That doesn't mean anything Samtastic. Trust me, I've had more concussions than anyone on any team. I think I might have the hospital record." Wordy said with a reassuring but concerned smile. "And plenty of those concussions didn't have blood." Ed nodded at his words at he thought hard.

"I'm thinking that it's better to be safe now than have you pass out on a call." Ed said looking right into Sam's bright blue eyes.

"I'm fine. Seriously, what do I have to do to prove it to you?" Sam asked searching Ed's eyes, then Wordy's. Spike and Lou were still watching from a few feet away. Spike had his phone in his hands and looked ready to dial on command and Lou had a first aid kit. Finding no answers to his questions Sam slowly stood up and tried not to show the dizziness that overcame him as he did. He thought that he was doing well until he tried to take a step forward, still too dizzy to really judge anything in the spinning room. Ed was standing now, as was Wordy, both looked prepared to jump into action as Sam stood teetering on the spot for a moment. Ed took hold of his shoulders as he slowly led him back into a sitting position on the bench.

"Sam?" He said urgently as Sam shut his eyes a headache suddenly overpowered his senses.

"Okay..." Sam said, his eyes still clamped closed and his teeth gritting again. "maybe I'm not as good as I thought." Sam hated admitting that he was wrong and that, even after spending years at war in a hostile desert, he was being sent to the hospital for a dime sized dollop of shaving cream.

"It's okay buddy, we all have those days." Ed said reassuringly, finding Sam's eyes through the squints. He turned towards the others. "Spike, find the boss. Lou, tell Winnie and Jules what's happening. Wordy, help me get him to the car." The team dispersed as Ed and Wordy tried to figure out the best way to get him to the car a few floors below.

"I can walk." Sam said a bit frustrated as he felt like a kid. Ed gave Wordy a subtle nod telling him to back off slightly but stay ready.

"Okay Sam, give it a shot, we're right here." Ed said as he also backed up a bit but kept his arms extended, ready to steady him at the first signs of weakness. Sam took a breath and got to his feet. He took a moment to steady himself and, still not opening his eyes very far, took a tentative step forward. He was a bit shaky and light-headed, but was staying upright. Ed and Wordy moved closer to Sam and were about to direct him out of the locker room when the door opened again with a loud slam and the bright light peeked through. Greg strode quickly into the locker room, Spike barley a step behind him. The sudden lights and sounds hit his hyper-acute senses as he grabbed at his temples and lost his balance. Ed was at his side in a moment supporting him as Wordy through Sam's right arm over his shoulder. Ed did the same with his left as they slowly led him to the door, speaking in hushed tones.

"How's he doing?" Greg asked with concern showing through his voice.

"Probably a concussion. I'm going to take him to the hospital to get checked out." Ed whispered as he kept a slow, even pace for Sam to try and walk along with them. He slowly put one foot in front of the other, refusing to let Ed and Wordy fully carry him to the car. "How you doing Sam?" Ed asked as he felt their pace slowing slightly and Sam breathing a bit heavier.

"I'm good. God, I've had concussions before but this...this is so embarrassing." He said as they stood in the elevator and waited to get to the parking garage.

"We've all had those days Sam, seriously, it happens." Ed reassured. Wordy smiled.

"Yeah Sam, you should have been here on this one call where Ed-"

"That's enough Wordy we don't want to stress him." Sam knew that Ed had interrupted a really embarrassing story and made a mental note to ask Wordy for details later. They practically dragged him the last few yards towards the car and Wordy helped him into the passenger's seat and buckled him in.

"Ed, want me to come?" Wordy asked seriously.

"Nah, I think we'll be fine. Thanks Wordy." Ed said as he looked over at Sam, slumped in the seat, his head in his hands. Wordy closed the door gently and stood by the door of the parking garage waiting for them to leave. "Alright Sam, nice and smooth. Just keep talking to me buddy." Ed said as they pulled out of the garage and headed towards the hospital where SRU officers had practically become a fixture in the waiting room.

_That's kind of odd. If you've read my "Nothing's Broken" story, I started off with a very similar trip to the hospital scene...hmm...wonder what that means...well I guess I'll see how this one goes, don't worry though, it'll develop differently than my Spike story, I've already got the future chapters in my head, begging to be written, but alas, it's 1 AM and my 9 AM class will inevitably be hellish even with a full nights sleep. This will have to do until tomorrow afternoon/evening; once I get myself into the story the pace will pick up again. Thanks for reading (and reviewing...hint hint...)_


	2. Chapter 2

Shooting at Shadows- Chapter 2

_Alrighty, here we go again. I'll see where this takes me. Thanks for the reviews, those awesome people who review. And if you didn't review...why not? :) It's cool though, I'm guilty of being lazy in some cases, you can review this chapter to make up for it. I still don't own anything. _

"Seriously Ed, it's not as bad now, I can walk." Sam sounded frustrated as he got out of the car and started slowly walking to the hospital doors.

"I know you can Sam, I know." Ed said as he backed off slightly but still kept his hands ready to steady him if necessary. Sam slowly walked towards the doors of the hospital occasionally using the cars in the parking lot as support. Ed had tried to help, offering his arm as support and offering to go grab a wheelchair but Sam had vehemently refused. As they approached the doors of the hospital Ed stepped in front of Sam and held a door open. Sam looked at Ed with stubborn eyes and made his way through the other door, opening it himself. Ed shook his head as he rejoined Sam on his way to the check in desk. The woman at the desk looked up from her computer and saw Sam slowly walk up to her in his full uniform.

"Sam Braddock, I just need to be cleared for duty. Slipped and hit my head." He said simply with a calm face.

"Yeah, Ed Lane, SRU Team One Leader." Ed pulled his badge out and showed it to the woman. He was only partially in his uniform as he had been in the process changing when Sam fell. "He was showing some signs of a concussion, he needs to be completely checked before anyone clears him for anything." Ed added with authority. The woman looked at both of them before she sent someone out with a wheelchair.

"I can walk." Sam said as he started down the hall without giving Ed or the wheelchair a second glance. Ed went to find a seat away from the other people in the waiting room and pulled out his cell phone.

"Winnie, it's Ed. The boss around?" He asked as he heard the familiar officer connect to the line.

"You guys must have some psychic connection or something. Here he is." Winnie said as Ed heard the phone being put on hold and then connected to Greg's.

"Eddie, how we doing?" Greg wanted to know what was going on, but he didn't seem overly worried. They'd had a lot worse happen in the past and Sam was a tough guy.

"I think he's going to be fine, he was walking on his own, back to his stubborn self." Ed said with a combination of bitterness and a small smile.

"Alright, well keep me updated. See what the doctor says but try to get him to go home and rest. Even if it isn't very bad, he's not going on a calls today." Greg paused for a moment. "I'll be right there." His voice came clearer over the phone. "Keep my updated Eddie."

"Will do Boss." He said as he hung up the phone and returned it to his pocket._ Oh Sam, _Ed thought as he smiled. _Leave it to you to slip on a drop of shaving cream after getting through Afghanistan unharmed...physically..._Ed's thoughts drifted as he wondered how deep the scars were under his closely maintained facade. It's tough to mislead a bunch of seasoned profilers but Sam had done pretty well in the beginning. It was only through his own disclosures, for the most part, that the team found anything out about him. Ed and Greg had talked extensively about Sam. He was one of the best snipers they'd ever had, he had solid physical strength and was an asset on entry teams; he had great tactical skills and was able to put together a plan on his feet and, though he still needed some work negotiating he seemed like a solid part of the team.

He had lived up to all of the standards set and they had mostly broken him out of the individualistic attitudes that he held so dear. By necessity he was a loner during his hard life. Emotional connection was not something that he could afford as he constantly moved to new military bases and then to to different areas of war zones. Emotions would get you killed and compartmentalization was the only way to survive the hard years. But Sam had opened up. Ed was sure that Jules had expedited that process. Ed sat in the waiting room softly laughing to himself as he tried to figure out how they thought they could possibly hide their relationship. _It was a good shot._ He thought as he again laughed at the pairing. He looked at his watch, it had been almost 45 minutes and he was starting to get antsy. He was considering finding a magazine when the doors opened and Sam came walking through slowly, the same expression of frustration still plastered onto his face. Ed stood and met him about halfway with a curious expression. He was trying not to act too concerned, Sam was hating all the attention he was getting, but he needed him to know that he was there and was his friend as well as his Team Leader.

"What's the good word?" Ed asked with a bit of a smile. Sam always made eye contact. Some people took his persist stare as aggressiveness but Ed knew that it was more a habit than a threat.

"I'll be back to normal in a day or two. Small concussion." Sam said with an unwavering face. Ed nodded.

"Great. I'll take you home to get some rest." Ed said with a smile as he started to lead the way out the door. He held it open again for Sam but he didn't make a point of it like when they came in. Sam reluctantly followed and once they were in the parking lot he started the inevitable protests.

"I'm not going home Ed. Let me come back to work and I'll find something to do." Sam's features betrayed his relaxed tone. His face was stiff, almost chiseled into a scowl but his tone relayed a genuine desire to return to work. Ed looked at him carefully.

"The Boss told me to take you home and I'd better have one hell of a reason not to in order to go against him." Ed said gently. He knew where Sam was coming from, he hated being sidelined even if he was hurting. Ed looked again at Sam as he started the car. His eyes seemed cold but Ed knew better than taking that at face value. He nodded. "You're not allowed anywhere near the gym, the shooting range, or combat training." Ed said with firm authority.

"What am I supposed to do then?" Sam asked with a mixed look of relief for coming back to work and confusion about what he was allowed to do.

"Well I believe that there's some paperwork with your name on it and a negotiator handbook just waiting to be reread." Sam let out a small groan as Ed smiled.

"You wanted to come back to work Sam." Ed laughed a bit as they drove quietly back to Headquarters.

_Ugh! I got the greatest idea in the middle of writing this chapter, too many ideas! I don't like to write more than one story at a time because I need to finish one before starting another, I will never be leaving a story unfinished, it's one of my pet-peeves. So I'm going to try to pound this one out and then I'll figure out where I'm going to go next. Having a bit of trouble getting into this story, hopefully as it picks up I'll get more attached. Tell me what you think. _


	3. Chapter 3

Shooting at Shadows-Chapter 3

_Okay, next chapter coming at you. This is going to be short, more of a transition to some other things. You know, my Spike story had a lot of build up to the "One Wrong Move" reaction because it felt like I really needed to kind of set up a base. Sam has had so much in show development that I feel like I don't really need to do as much to lead him up to it. If that makes sense to you, great, if not you can feel free to ignore it and read on. I should mention that the next chapter will have SPOILERS for "One Wrong Move." Just letting you know. Still don't own Flashpoint, we wouldn't be waiting months for the rest of the cliffhanger episode but I'll come back to that at another time. Tell me what you think. _

**Two Weeks Later**

Going for drinks was the accepted means and code for working off a bad day, it was a bonding ritual which nearly everyone always participated in. Even Wordy and Ed would hang out for a bit, putting off valuable family time to make sure they and their team would be okay the next day. While most people took solace in the causal time together (their inhibitions slightly lowered by the alcohol) Sam always had some trouble letting go. Greg was the only one that did not drink on the team but even so, no one ever really got drunk. A few people got tipsy after really bad days but Sam had an extremely high alcohol tolerance. The same amount of alcohol that would make Lou tipsy would barley phase Sam, the desire to escape was extreme but the ability was not present, not without a massive hangover and some potentially regrettable decisions.

He sat at the bar, half listening to his team, laughing when appropriate, adding a comment every so often but mostly just mulling over his job, his life really. In Afghanistan he'd never had time to think or relax, even if they weren't on active patrol he was always thinking about possible weaknesses and looking for signs of an attack, sitting with friends in a non-threatening environment was something that he had just barley gotten used to. He was beginning to let go around his team. He studied Ed closely, trying to figure out how he was able to slip so easily from Team Leader to good friend but something still alluded him.

_Too many demons._ He thought as he stared into his whiskey.

"Sam, you alright there buddy? What, you expecting it to disappear or something?" Ed asked as he looked over at Sam and subtly tried to read him. He was stuck in his head again and Ed knew it. They'd really gotten him out of his old habits, he was much looser, much more open to talking to people even if the interactions were mostly superficial, he was overall just more present; Ed couldn't help but get the feeling though that there was something buried beneath the cool face that Sam put on. He couldn't even conceptualize the idea of killing a team mate by friendly fire, he wasn't completely sure that Sam had dealt with his feelings but he was functioning far better than Ed could ever imagine himself doing.

"Nah, just thinking." Sam said as he picked up the glass and swiftly downed the drink. He smiled a bit and joined the conversation a bit more actively, Spike and Lou were talking about how they played paintball over the weekend and Spike was obviously exaggerating.

"...so it was me and Lou against like, seven guys on the other team..." To a passerby, Spike wouldn't appear drunk but the team knew that he was getting to his limit. Of them all, even Jules (to his extreme embarrassment) Spike was the least able to hold his alcohol. Lou was bigger and a lot more sober.

"It was more like four guys Spike," Lou corrected him with a smile.

"...and we each only had a few more rounds to go. I must have only had five or seven shots left..."

"Spike, we had a backup canister-" Lou rolled his eyes a bit. He was always reserved and quiet at work, the down time and the drinking made him slightly more talkative.

"Come on Lou, I'm telling the story of our epic win." Spike said as he nudged him, spilling his drink a bit.

"Spike, I think we can wait until tomorrow to hear the rest, I think I'll be getting out of here." Ed said as he pulled out his wallet and paid his bill. Wordy went through the same motions.

"Yeah, almost bedtime for the girls and they got a new story book yesterday. I can't wait to see what happens to the princess who was turned into a bird..." Wordy said sarcastically.

"Oh, but guys, I was just gettin' to the good part." Spike said as he tiredly looked up at them.

"Umhum," Ed nodded, not really listening. "tomorrow buddy. And to make sure that we hear the rest of that story, Spike, I'm taking your keys. Hand 'em over." Ed said with a firm look. Spike took a minute to react but eventually found the keys in his back pocket. "Good man." Ed said as he patted Spike's shoulder. He looked up at Lou and Sam. "I trust you two are okay..." He said in a half implication, half question.

"I've got room if you want to free ride." Wordy offered. His mini-van was a common means of transportation for the group, if they squeezed they were all able to fit in at once.

"I'm good." Sam said as he paid his tab.

"Ditto. I'll get Spike home." Lou said as he helped Spike up. It had been a tough day, Spike had spent most of the call running from one spot to another trying to get ears on the situation and then back to the truck to get information and then on an entry team again only for Greg to call Scorpio and Jules to take the subject down. It was stressful for him, but Spike had done his job well and he deserved to be a little drunk. He stumbled a bit as Lou helped him up, exhaustion kicking in.

"Come on Spike." Sam said as he steadied his friend and grabbed his other arm. Lou and he helped Spike out of the bar as he nearly fell asleep on the way to the car. "Spike, get in." Sam said in a firm voice ordering Spike to get into the passenger seat of the car. He tried once and stumbled as he tried to stand on one foot. Sam almost pushed him into the car as Lou came around to help. After finally getting him situated they closed the door and walked around to the drivers side.

"You sure you're good to drive, Sam? I only had a beer and it's no trouble to stop at your place." Lou asked. His eyes and expression could never quite be described as soft but they were never cold; Sam almost felt that he could find a look of pain in his eyes. He didn't know a lot about Lou's life, being the rookie, he'd had a lot of catching up to do when it came to his team mates lives but it almost seemed like no one liked to talk about Lou's. Sam knew that he had a great knowledge of gangs and gang life and he knew that, though they joked about it sometimes, Lou liked being 'less lethal.' He wouldn't hesitate if the need arose to take lethal action but he liked the fact that his conscious was, for the most part, clear. Even though his death count wasn't near that of the snipers on the team, Sam was able to see something behind his eyes. _He has demons too. _"Sam..." Lou asked, getting no response to his previous question.

"No, I'm good, seriously. I hold my alcohol really well." Sam said as he jokingly balanced on one leg and put his finger to his nose. "Proof enough?"

"Yeah man. You know, just want to make sure I'm gonna be seeing you tomorrow. I mean, who would we prank if we didn't have you?" Lou said with a huge smile.

"Yeah yeah, I'll get you guys one of these days." Sam said as he started taking a step backwards towards his car.

"I look forward to that day my friend." Lou said, looking at Sam carefully. "Hey," He called out causing Sam to stop and look at him with a curious expression.

"You know, you're not the only one with ghosts in your head, Sam." Lou said with a more serious inflection. Before Sam could respond Lou continued. "I know you're not used to letting people help you, I get it, it's the way we both grew up...the way we survived...but we're both different people now. I know it's weird to talk about stuff but...well just think about it." Lou finished with a small nod. He turned towards the drivers side and yelled over his shoulder. "I keep my phone on 24/7 incase you were wondering."

With that, the door closed and his engine started. As he pulled out of the parking lot Sam was able to see that Spike was asleep, his head resting on the window. Lou gave him a small nod as he pulled out onto the street. Sam stood, a little shocked about the conversation he'd just had. If anything he thought that Greg or Ed would have been the ones to give him that kind of talk, Lou was a curveball. He made a mental note to thank him but decline his offer. Sam sat in his car for a moment thinking as memories came rushing back._ There's not even a logical place to start. There are too many demons, too many scars._ Sam thought as he turned the ignition on and started his slow drive home.

_I don't know why it's so tough for me to get into this story. Oh well, more to come maybe tonight, maybe tomorrow. Tell me what you think. _


	4. Chapter 4

Shooting at Shadows-Chapter 4

_So this chapter has spoilers from "One Wrong Move" and everything beyond. Just figured I'd warn you. I think I said it already but I came up with the idea for this story from writing one of my other stories "Nothing's Broken." That one was Spikecentric, this one is Samcentric (obviously) but I LOVED the way that Chapter 9 and 10 of my Spike story came out, I feel like I really got across everything that I wanted and I really nailed all the reactions. So, if you've read that one, you're going to see quite a few similarities as in some verbatim stuff (it's not plagiarizing if it's my own story...right? :) So sorry if it's annoying. I'll be editing some stuff and adding some stuff though, so just read it anyway. You guys are reviewing, right? And you know that I still don't own anything, right?_

_**Just wanted to tell you guys, the reason it took me so long to update this was that I kind of had a stupid fall and killed my leg. Bad sprains in my ankle and foot, dislocated my knee and my college campus is seriously on a giant hill and crutches suck and I can't lift my arms right now. So, while I got some valuable hospital experiences for my next story, I'm moving a little slower and going to bed a lot earlier. Just to let you guys know, but fear not, like Wordy I will continually bounce back and continue on. Thanks for your patience!**_

All day his mind had been racing. He had desperately tried to find something, anything, that he could use to help save Lou. The memories came rushing back as he thought about all the people he'd seen die. The constant thoughts were only silenced for an instant when he heard the blast. For that instant a defining silence fell upon the quad and was only broken when a choked sob came from Spike's mouth as he fell to the ground in tears.

Sam's mind seemed to awaken and flew into overdrive. _Not here._ He said firmly to himself as he turned and started walking away from the group. Comfort would do him no good right now, he was a solider first and his instincts were telling him to walk away and not look back until he could continue. He bounded off, not sure of where he was going, not even consciously aware that he was moving. His mind began to race.

_Okay Sam, it's done. What now?_ He thought as he took deep breaths and took off his gloves. _Check for hostiles, _He said to himself. _One arrested, one deceased, no evidence of other accomplices. Okay, now what? Maintain a perimeter._ He thought to himself as he looked around, pausing briefly on Spike sobbing as Greg rocked him slowly on the ground. He snapped back to attention. _Uniforms have have a perimeter covered. What now? Check the unit._ He looked back and counted. _Six, all accounted for. _He paused again as his gaze passed over Jules. His heart sped a bit as he felt a sharp pang of guilt. _I should be the one comforting her right now. _He thought as he saw Wordy with a tear running down his face, tightly grasping Jules. Ed was a bit to their left. It didn't look like Ed was crying but it was obvious that he was emotional. It looked like he was trying to control his breathing. It was only after a few moments of staring that Sam realized he had the same rhythm of breath that Ed had.

Sam stood about fifty feet away from the team and was frozen on the spot. His habits and military training were telling him to walk away. He couldn't afford to be emotional in combat, he needed to be sharp. _Walk away and come back when you're ready to move on. _Sam heard the often repeated mantra in his head. His father had indoctrinated the code of a solider in him since he was young and his mind automatically went to 'the rules.' Sam was about to listen, to turn on his heals and walk away from the scene when he heard a yelling cry from Spike. Greg quickly pulled him back into his embrace and began rocking him again. Sam stood for a moment, torn about what to do. He was part of a new team now, a new life, and he knew that he was needed. _If I walk away Sarge will worry, he doesn't need that. Then he'll send Ed to find me and Jules would really worry._ He stood taking a few more deep breaths. He saw an SIU agent approach Ed. _They aren't questioning us tonight are they? Cold hearted bastards._ He took a few more deep breaths.

His feet were moving before he was able to realize what he was doing. The black SUVs were getting closer and the sounds of muffled cries were growing clearer. _This is too much_. Sam started to panic. Sure anger and sadness and hostility were manageable, subjects can be talked down, but when it was pure grief...well Sam was at an extreme loss. He paused for a moment and saw a brick pillar supporting a building about ten feet to his left. He stood for a moment and thought about his options. He thought he might be able to overcome the emotions, he'd done it so many times before in war, what was different now? _I'm a different person. I'm soft. _He thought to himself, almost resenting his internal conclusions. _I can't do this._ His feet again seemed to have a mind of their own as he began walking towards the brick wall.

His breathing was quicker as he felt his body quiver slightly. _Don't you cry. Don't you cry you wussy. Soldiers don't cry. _His face was contorted as he tried to prevent the tears from running down his face. His hands were in tight fists as his muscles ached from the strain. _Don't you fucking cry! _He yelled at himself as his right hand punched the brick wall. The physical pain distracted his mind from the emotional turmoil and he saw the wall in front of him for, what felt like, the first time. He curled his fingers into a fist again and jabbed at the wall feeling, taking solace, in the bight of the rough brick. He punched lightly at first with his right hand but as the feelings came back he started to punch harder. His entire hand was bright red with blood as he looked at it and let out a breath. _On to the left._ He thought sarcastically as he flexed his left hand fingers.

The blood was dripping readily from both of his hands as he let them fall to his sides. He took slow, steady breaths and looked at his knuckles. He couldn't see past the blood but he knew that he didn't break any fingers. He took his gloves out of his pocket and slowly placed them back on his hands, wonderfully irritating his open wounds. His mind felt clearer as he walked back to the SUV and rested his elbows on the hood. He put his head in his hands and resolved himself to thinking only about the pain, feeling it in every nerve of his body. Sam heard Ed approach Wordy and listened to the conversation as he kept the rest of his mind focused on the pain in his knuckles.

"S-" Ed's voice cracked for a moment and was horse. He cleared his throat and began again. "SIU says that we need to wrap it up," Ed took a breath to calm himself before continuing. "You okay to drive Wordy?" Ed asked. Sam knew that he wouldn't let anyone but Wordy or himself drive in tough circumstances, he always went to his best man. It took Wordy a moment to understand the question but he eventually nodded and a horse 'yeah' escaped his throat. Ed put a strong hand on his shoulder and squeezed it tightly. "Take Jules and Sam, I'll take the Boss and Spike." Ed began to approach Sam and he nearly sprung to attention.

"Easy Sam." Ed said as he placed his hand on Sam's shoulder. His body didn't relax, but his eyes seemed to. Ed looked at him, not exactly sure what he was reading. There was blood on the sleeves of his uniform but he didn't appear to be injured. "You're going back to Headquarters with Wordy and Jules." Ed tried not to make it sound like an order but he couldn't afford to be emotional right now. Sam simply nodded and walked over to the other two who began gathering the gear closest to them and putting it into the SUV.

The ride was dead silent as Jules tired to control her ragged breathing and Wordy put all of his attention into driving. Sam sat in the backseat slowly making fists and relaxing them feeling the pain course though his body, distracting him from any thought. Every so often a bit of rationality would seep through the shield of pain and would remind him that he wouldn't be able to bleed forever. But for now, it was enough to get him through, enough to keep him sane. Enough for right now.

_Not sure when something else will be coming, it's so awkward to type at my desk with my leg going the other direction...I have to get used to it, I have class on Monday, but it sucks. Tell me what you think. _


	5. Chapter 5

Shooting At Shadows-Chapter 5

_I don't know how we always see the team functioning hurt, I've been down for three days with my leg immobilized and right now everything EXCEPT my leg hurts either from crutches or from not using my leg...how does that make any sense? Well I guess it's a done deal now (though it was never in the running to begin with) I could never be an SRU officer. Oh well, guess I'm going to have to stick to writing the fanfics. This chapter is going to really overlap with my other story, "Nothing's Broken" for those people who have read it. It's funny, this story is getting a lot more attention, but I like the other one better, why's that? Seriously, I'm curious what it is that is getting this one more attention, please tell me in a review. The only thing I've come to newly own is a pair of crutches...still not Flashpoint...maybe an idea for a get well present..._

There were primarily two contradictory feelings in the air of the Briefing Room: numbness and volatility. It was late, almost midnight when the shattered Team One slowly trickled into Headquarters. Though Winnie's shift was over when the team's was, hours earlier, she had stayed to help out where she could. She made sure that the Briefing Room was free, she held all calls going to Greg and Ed's phones, and she called Shelly and Sophie to tell them that their husbands would most likely be home late (though she left out the details, it was not her place to tell them.) When Wordy came in with Sam and Jules she saw the unmistakable drained look in their eyes. She'd seen both Jules and Sam at some of their worst spots, but she'd never seen Wordy look so conflicted and so pained.

"Briefing Room." He said shortly to Jules and Sam as they blindly obeyed, too tired and too lost in their thoughts to do anything else. He looked at Winnie and tried to think. "We're...we're going to need some time in there. Can you have Team Two-"

"I already set them up in Conference Room One with instructions to all Teams that they will be briefing there tonight if the need arises."

"Good, good...and ah...Commander Halloran needs to be informed-"

"Done, he said that he'd speak to the Boss later, I'm redirecting all his calls for now...I figured he didn't need the distraction of playing politics..." Winnie responded, hoping that she didn't overstep.

"Good, that's good thinking." Wordy said as he turned to walk to the briefing room. He stopped short and threw his head back, eyes closed. "Sophie, oh shit, and Shelly...I need to-"

"Wordy," Winnie said with a firm voice. He looked at her, a bit surprised. "I called them already. I didn't tell them details, just that you guys were held up on a call and would be late." Wordy looked at her, confused. "Working helps me..." she paused a minute and averted her gaze. "He was my friend too." She said simply, a tear rolling down her face. Wordy stepped closer and tightly hugged her. They stayed in their embrace a moment before Winnie gently pulled away. "Go," she said as she gestured towards the briefing room, "they need you now."

Wordy stepped back and before he could say anything, she was down the corridor going to find some other work to do. He mentally told himself to remember to talk to the Boss about her when things calmed down, to make sure she was alright. Wordy turned and made the short walk to the briefing room, noticing how far apart Sam and Jules were. Jules sat at her normal spot around the table, her head down in her folded arms. She was physically and emotionally exhausted, they all were, but none of them wanted to leave. Sam stood in the far end of the room, standing up straight, hands behind his back, eyes cold, staring directly in front of him. He was 'at ease' in a soldier's resting position. Wordy knew that this was a defense, that Sam was reverting to his old self, the person that lost friends to land mines in Afghanistan, but Wordy also knew that he needed to break Sam out of that mentality, he needed to get Sam to talk and to mourn and to feel.

He scooped a water bottle off the center of the table (probably another of Winnie's ideas) and slowly approached Sam. As he walked he stood up straighter and hardened his features as much as possible. Emotions would cause Sam to shut down at a time like this, what Sam needed was another solider but mirroring him would have to do right now.

"You need to drink some water Sam." Wordy tried to keep his voice firm and extended the bottle. They were about four feet apart so Sam needed to take a step forward to reach the bottle. He gave a quick nod and cracked the seal of the cap. He winced for a moment when he put his hands into a fist, his gloves rubbing on the open wounds that he had inflicted when he punched the wall. "You okay?" Wordy asked, sympathy and concern creeping into his tone. Sam looked at him with an expression somewhere between a laugh and a desire to punch him. "I mean, you're bleeding Sam." Wordy quickly understood that Sam mistook his words and brought attention to the wrist that was exposed between the gloves and Sam's uniform. Sam just looked at Wordy, a cold look that almost dared him to ask what the blood was from, but Wordy wasn't intimidated. "Jules," Wordy said, still not breaking eye contact with Sam, "think you can grab me a first aid kit?"

She mumbled something and walked out of the room as Wordy softened his gaze. Mirroring wasn't working right now, it couldn't work with Wordy being so emotional, he could never have a soldier's discipline when it came to compartmentalizing emotions. "Sam, buddy, please just sit down." Wordy asked with a sympathetic voice. "We're all exhausted and I know you're not the exception here, just sit okay?" Wordy coaxed him to sitting at the table, still rigid and seemingly unresponsive. Jules returned with the first aid kit and sat next to Sam. Wordy took a seat opposite them and started to pull things out of the kit. "Sam, let me see." Wordy gently tried to convince him to remove his gloves. There was no response from Sam and no indication that he would willingly do anything. "Sam, I won't ask what happened, let me just stop the bleeding and clean it out." Wordy tried not to sound frustrated but his patience was moving on a fluctuating scale tonight and at this moment, he didn't think he could deal. Just as he was about to leave the room and try to calm down, Sam made a short move and pulled off his right glove, then the left.

"Sam..." Jules whispered in the kind of tone that a mother would use with a child, not really angry, but almost pity. Anger flared in Sam's eyes for a moment but he calmed again and looked at Wordy, meeting his sad eyes. Wordy nodded and pulled open an alcohol wipe, gently holding Sam's hand as he let them disinfect. As he cleared away the dirt and the ripped up skin, he began to piece together what happened. Emotion and anger almost shielded people from pain. Wordy remembered, years ago, going at the punching bag in the gym without gloves, knowing how his knuckles would be cut up and bleeding by the time he finished. Wordy kept his promise and silently wrapped gauze around Sam's right knuckles. Wordy began applying more alcohol wipes to Sam's left hand as he heard movement in the hall. He turned in his chair to see Ed coming through the doors of the briefing room followed shortly by Greg and Spike. Ed approached the three already at the table and his eyes went immediately to Sam's outstretched hand.

"How'd that happen?" He asked trying to break the silence. Sam looked at Wordy, his eyes not as cold as they had been a few minutes ago.

"I told Sam that if he let me patch him up, I wouldn't ask questions." Wordy gave Ed a meaningful look, trying to tell him to back down. Ed understood the gesture but needed to know that he wouldn't lose anyone else on his team, needing to know that they weren't going to be reckless and stupid when they left that room. As Ed was trying to form a question in his mind, Greg approached him and put a hand on his shoulder trying to get him to calm down. Ed nodded slightly and, looking critically over Sam again, he went and sat next to Spike at the other end of the table. Greg had gone to the communication desk and was on the phone, he looked angry but Sam was focused on his breathing and his pain, the only things he felt would keep him sane at this moment.

Wordy gently worked the alcohol wipes in and around Sam's bleeding knuckles and fingers. It stung badly but Sam barley flinched. His muscles were tense, it almost seemed that he was getting ready to strike as he starred straight at Wordy. Wordy was trying to be gentle, he held Sam's hand as he held his mouth in a tight grimace. He didn't like the fact that he was hurting Sam, but he was more worried that Sam didn't even react to what must have hurt more than the wounds themselves. He pulled a role of gauze out of the first aid kit and loosely wrapped Sam's knuckles and wrists in a few layers of soft bandages. The room was silent as Greg returned.

Greg stood at the end of the table and took stock of his team, now permanently short one. Jules looked drained, they all did, but Jules especially seemed exhausted. Her focus seemed split. She was gently holding Sam's forearm, a comforting gesture for both of them, but she was also staring out past everything and everyone, seeming to be lost in her thoughts. Sam sat up straight, barley moving, barley breathing it seemed. His hands were left on the table where Wordy had wrapped his knuckles and though he didn't move away from Jules's touch, Greg could tell he was uncomfortable with the idea of being comforted. Wordy looked reflective. He sat in a chair away form the group a bit, also looking hard at his hands, through his hands it seemed. He was thinking hard and Greg could tell, but he also looked up every so often and checked on his teammates. Ed was sitting next to Spike, a hand on his shoulder, trying hard to find Spike's downcast eyes. Spike had seemed to shut down. He wasn't crying anymore, he wasn't talking, he gave no response to Ed's gentle words, he sat and he stared, trapped in his mind.

"Okay guys," Greg said gently. The room had already been silent before he started speaking, but now all eyes were on him with the exception of Spike, who stared at the corner of the room. Greg took a breath, trying to keep his emotions in check. "I don't know what to say. I don't know what you guys need me to say, honestly, there's nothing I can say to make this hurt any less." Greg paused as he felt tears begin to well in his eyes. "I'm not going to force you to debrief tonight. I'm here if any of you want to talk..." he paused and looked around the room. "I just got off the phone with Commander Halloran. We're all taking mandatory vacation starting tomorrow for a week. During that week, on Wednesday, we're all having psych evaluations." Greg paused for a minute and softened his tone a bit. "I also want to meet with you guys on Sunday if we can manage, just to check up before we start again...The memorial service will be held on Friday. You'll get more information during the week." Greg let a tear fall from his eyes, but maintained his calm voice. "It doesn't make it better, I know, but Lou...Lou died doing what he loved, he died saving lives. Remember that." Greg finished as he saw Spike break out of his trance and quickly get up and walk out of the room. Greg gave Ed a quick look as he jogged out of the room after Spike and Ed stood to take over.

"Let's all get home and get some rest." Ed said with a soft voice. "I'm driving you two home." Ed said as he looked at Sam and Jules, they were too exhausted to protest, knowing it would honestly be more dangerous for them to try and drive in their current state. "Wordy, I trust you'll be okay?" Ed said, allowing him an out if Wordy didn't think he could stay calm.

"I'll be fine." He said simply. Ed nodded slowly.

"Listen, I know you guys probably just want to go out and get drunk tonight, but sleep first, tomorrow...well today I guess..." Ed said as he looked at his watch, it was nearly one in the morning. "well when you wake up, do something, run or go shopping, something. Greg or me will call you and tell you the time for your psych eval later tonight." Ed paused as he looked at what remained of his team. "Call me if you guys need anything, I mean it. My cell will be on all day and night. I know that's the same story for the Boss, call him or me if you need anything." Ed said, not exactly sure what else to say. The silence was growing awkward. Sam had been feeling claustrophobic all night, he had always been alone in his pain and all he wanted to do was be alone; it was all he knew how to do. He got up quickly and walked to the door.

"That all?" he said coldly as he stood in the doorframe for a moment.

"Yeah," Ed nodded and realized what Sam was waiting for "Jules, you ready to go?" She was jarred from her thoughts as Ed called her name. "Jules," he said gently. She realized what was happening and stood up to join Sam. "Wordy, you sure you're okay to drive, buddy?" Ed asked, not wanting to leave his friend alone.

"I'm good, I'll call you in the morning Ed." He said with a look that left no room for arguing. Ed walked out and Sam and Jules followed him to his car. Sam sat in the front seat with Ed and Jules sat in the back. Her head was leaning against the window and, as Ed backed out of the parking spot he saw her eyes sinking closed.

"Jules, I'm going to drop you off first," Ed said as he nodded. "...and," He paused for a moment trying to figure out the best way to phrase it. "Let's just say that if you wanted me to drop you off at Jules's house also Sam, to make sure she's okay of course, well no one else would have to know..." Ed glanced over at Sam who still sat up straight and had a cold, unwavering look. Ed was giving them the opportunity to spend the night together and Sam knew that Jules might appreciate it but he couldn't do it, he was alone in his grief and that's all he knew.

"No thanks, I just need to be alone." Sam said in a slow, emotionless voice. Jules was too tired and too stuck in her head to really understand the exchange, she was practically asleep in the backseat but Ed was far more alert.

"I hear you Sam, you just want to be alone." Ed said as he sat a bit taller in his seat almost unintentionally mirroring Sam. He waited a moment before he continued. "But are you sure that's a good idea right now?" He tried to sound sympathetic but not too concerned, Sam would shut down if he thought they were going to lecture him or be emotional.

"I just want to be alone." Sam repeated with a bit more frustration in his voice. Ed nodded slightly as he pulled into Jules's driveway.

"Jules," Ed called to wake her from her semi-conscious sleep. Her head groggily rose as she realized she was home. "You gonna be okay? You want me to come in for a few minutes?" Ed asked with a soft voice.

"Nah Ed, I'll be good but thanks." She said as she sharply inhaled and became a bit more alert.

"Okay, I'll wait for you to get in. Me or the Boss will call later. Get some sleep." She nodded and walked to her door slowly. She opened her front door and waved to Ed and Sam as they backed out of the driveway. Sam and Ed drove in silence for a few minutes, Ed intentionally going very slowly despite the fact that there were no cars on the road.

"Wanna tell me what happened there?" Ed asked as he nodded his head towards Sam's hands at a famously long red light. Sam hardened his face.

"Not really." He said as he looked straight through the windshield. Sam always made eye contact and it worried Ed that he wouldn't look at him.

"Listen Sam," Ed started with a soft and sympathetic voice. "I get it. I get that you don't know how to grieve in this kind of situation. You know, me and Wordy, we've lost team mates, friends, and you have too, but we're different. We've always helped each other through those times and we've gotten though it, but you've had to mourn alone in a desert and I can't know what that's like. Know that you're here now though, you've got friends who really care about you and you can and should grieve or cry or whatever it takes. You hear me?" Ed asked as he finished his speech. He really wanted some sign that Sam was going to be okay, that he wasn't crawl within himself and lose touch with the world around him. Sam still looked through the windshield and seemed to think for a moment.

"Green light." He said as Ed let out a breath and turned back to the road. The rest of the drive was silent until they reached Sam's apartment building.

"Need anything? Want me to come up, we can have a beer or something?" Ed tried, he knew that he didn't want anyone drinking, but if that was what was going to get through to Sam then he needed to try. Sam grabbed his bag from the ground and got out of the car.

"Thanks for the ride." He said simply as he closed the door and left Ed sitting in the parking lot. He sat there for a long time before he changed gears and headed towards his own home. He tried to anticipate the upcoming weeks. Jules and Wordy would get emotional but they'd move one. Greg might falter, he'd put his team before himself any day and he would never completely heal from this blow. Spike would probably be paralyzed by emotion for a while, they needed to watch him. But Sam, Sam was a complete unknown and there was no way to plan for what may or may not come.

_So the beginning was mostly taken directly from "Nothing's Broken." The end of this chapter was following Ed, different than that one. Did you guys notice that in "Nothing's Broken" Ed and Sam are mysteriously missing for chapters 10-13ish...humm, wonder where they were? Stay tuned, don't know when I'll update, I'll see how tired I am tomorrow after three classes on crutches and a campus precariously situated on the top of a hill...at least they don't say snow this week!_


	6. Chapter 6

Shooting At Shadows-Chapter 6

_As if you haven't gotten sick of me telling you about my other story...you should probably know that some characters are going to be missing from this because I'm trying to keep it accurate to my other story. So in that one, Spike is doing his own thing, you're not going to see much Spike here. Just be aware and read the other one so you get an overall feeling of how everyone is doing. As to this story, I have a very general idea of where I want to go, I'm just not sure how to get there. I guess I'll just see where it takes me. Still don't own anything, still moving kind of slow from the crutches (thus new chapters might be slow to come), still want to hear what you guys have to say._

Sleep was not an option for Sam. He would lay in bed unable to close his eyes, expose himself to the risks. Park of the risks felt external, he felt like reality had changed, he was at war once again and no where felt safe. Closing his eyes risked the internal bombardment though; images would flash into his mind's eye: war, bombs, Matt, Lou, all the people he'd killed and seen killed. He turned over in bed and looked at the red florescent clock. He had only been laying there for about two hours but he wasn't anywhere near sleep. He sat up and pulled the light sheet from his body which seemed in a perpetual sweat since the explosion. His head was swimming as he made his way to the dark kitchen.

He pulled a bottle of water from his refrigerator, shutting his eyes against the bright light from the inside. He slowly walked to the window of sparsely decorated loft as he took small sips from the cool bottle. There wasn't much to look at at 3 AM but the partially hidden stars and the city skyline. Usually this image of the night was a comforting one to Sam. He was no longer alone in the desert, he was surrounded by people and their passing cars, their safe homes but tonight, these same images only added to his anxiousness.

_Who are these people?_ He asked himself as he backed slowly towards the corner of the window, out of sight from anyone that might be looking in. _What are their intentions...how will they attack?_ Sam stared through the dark night and carefully scanned the rooftops for snipers. _Where is my best defensive post?_

The cycle continued as Sam thought about his tactical options. _How could I let my guard down?_ He chastised himself. _At least in Afghanistan I knew where the enemies were; at least there I knew who the enemy was..._Sam abandoned his post at the window as he quickly and quietly went into his bedroom and straight to the closet. He looked around the entire room, his muscles tense and his senses in overdrive. Once he was sure it was safe he bent and entered the combination into his safe, pulling his gun from within. He went over to his bedside table, again looking around the room carefully and pulled the ammunition out of the box. He felt the click as the cartridge locked into the gun and he leveled it, feeling safe with the cold metal in his hands.

He moved deliberately and slowly through his loft holding the gun at the ready. He entered each room and checked all corners, closets, air vents, and under all the furniture and carpets for anything that didn't belong. He closed the blinds on all the windows and locked the doors behind him. He ended his search in the living room and pulled a kitchen chair into the center of the room followed by a small end table. He sat tensely for a moment and listened for any sounds. After being satisfied that he was alone, he began to dismantle his gun, laying out the separate parts on the table. He took a small white cloth and began the painstaking process of cleaning every inch of the internal mechanisms of his gun.

The night merged into dawn as Sam continued to clean, reassemble, disassemble, and again clean his gun. The cold metal felt natural against his fingertips, the only part of his hands left unbandaged by Wordy's first aid. He stopped his process and started at his hands for a moment as he noticed that sunlight had begun to seep through his blinds. Rage built instantly in Sam as he ripped the bandages from his hands, resenting the weakness that they represented. _I'm soft. This life has made me soft._ He said angrily to himself as he dug his fingernails into the raw wounds of his knuckles. Blood came to his wounds again and began to run down his hands, Sam calmed a bit at the pain and the sight. He began his ritual again. He laid out the individual parts of his gun and began with the trigger mechanism, slowly running the now red cloth up and down every inch of the cold, hard metal.

Hours must have passed as Sam bled onto the floor of his loft. The sun was higher in the sky as the only sounds came fore the street and the neighbors trickling out of their apartments and into the halls. Sam sat completely still, barley breathing as he listened to the sounds just on the other side of his door, his gun now assembled and sitting on the table in front of him. He held his breath and tensed his muscles as someone passed his door talking on a cell phone. _A-327._ Sam thought to himself as he recognized the voice but still did not let himself relax. The voice grew clearer as he passed Sam's door and then faded as he reached the stairwell. Sam let out the breath he'd been holding and relaxed his tired muscles as he perked his ears at a sound he thought could be a closing door.

A small beeping came from within his apartment and he jumped to his feet as he grabbed his gun. He moved from his chair and stepped in a small pool of his own blood as he moved towards the sound in his bedroom. He moved carefully, checking the corners before he rounded them, stepping as lightly as possible. His bag was sitting on the ground next to the bed and he saw that the screen was lit with a new message indicator. He spun slowly around the room and checked the closet again before he bent down to retrieve his phone. Shifting his gaze he looked at the screen of his phone. _One New Text Message: Jules._ He let out a breath but his muscles were still tense as he slid his finger across the screen to unlock it.

"Hey Sam, Ed and I are going for a run up at those hiking trails. We'll grab lunch after, you in?" He read the message a few times and weighed the options in his head. He knew that Jules would worry if he didn't come and he also realized that Ed would not stop pestering Sam until he accepted an invitation to do something. He thought about the trails, he'd been there once or twice, not enough to know about the different trails and the different places an attack could be staged. His mind, the one that had kept him up all night to protect himself, was yelling at him not to go, to forget about the message and return to his post but there was something at the fringes of his mind that was creating dissonance. He didn't know what was happening to him but his fingers were typing a reply before he could even convince himself otherwise.

"What time you guys meeting?"

_I know it wasn't much, I'm exhausted and heading to bed, most of this was written in class today so it didn't take too long. I'm not sure where I'm going exactly, though I've got a bit of an idea. Don't worry, it's not going to get too happy too soon, I don't think I have the physical capability to write NOT depressing things. We'll see when the next part comes up, maybe Thursday. Tell me what you think. _


	7. Author's Note

**Author's Note**

Hey everyone. This is just to let you know what's happening with the updates. Most of you know that I've been on crutches for about a week, well on Tuesday night I hurt my left shoulder as well. I strained a ligament and pinched a nerve, it kills, so I'm on some strong painkillers. My left arm is basically useless right now and its tough to type and focus. Hopefully I'll heal quickly and will be able to write again, but don't expect much soon. I'm off to bed, thanks for the patience.


	8. Chapter 7

Shooting at Shadows-Chapter 7

_Okay, I might have found a position where it's not too terrible to type. Gosh, I'm falling apart, the entire left side of my body has decided to rebel and apparently Vicoden really screws me up. So I was really pissed that I couldn't write anything since I hurt myself, I think my mind was going through Flashpoint withdrawal or something because last night (yes, while I was laying in bed loopy from the pain meds) I kept thinking about this story and where I wanted to go with it and I must have been seriously out of it because my roommates told me this morning that I was apparently speaking the dialogue I was thinking out loud. So basically, the dialogue that you see in this chapter, I was actually saying...if my roommates didn't think I was crazy, they do now. So we'll see how coherent this is, I haven't taken any serious meds since last night which is good for my head, bad for my body. Tell me if I'm making sense and what you think. I still don't own anything. _

The moment he sent his reply he regretted his decision. _Idiot!_ He yelled at himself as he quickly pulled up a new message screen and began trying to figure out how to rescind his prior message. "You know, actually I've got some errands. Maybe another-" As he quickly typed out the message, a new one appeared on his screen.

"Awesome! Ed's picking me up in 20, we'll be at your place in 30. Really glad you're coming." Sam sighed as he realized that there was no going back and he had to prepare himself for Ed and Jules's scrutiny. He slipped his phone into his pocket and stood in his room for a minute trying to figure out what to do first. _Okay, got to make myself at least a little presentable. _He thought as he walked into the bathroom. He looked in the mirror and was a bit shocked at his reflection. He knew that he'd look tired but he wasn't expecting the sheer exhaustion that was evident in every muscle of his face. His hair was ruffled and his eyes bloodshot. He looked closely at the skin around his eyes, it was tinted red. _Damn, must have touched my face._ He said as he looked at his hands under the bright bathroom light. They scars were deep and his knuckles were raw and tender.

He broke his gaze from the mirror as he stripped off the white t-shirt and boxer shorts and stepped into the shower. He winced for a moment as the cold water hit the open wounds on his hands and his tense muscles. He took a few deep breaths before he threw his head under the stream and exposed his face to the cold bite of the shower. It only took him a few minutes to clean the blood from his face and wash the sweat from his body. He'd never gotten used to the idea of a long, relaxing shower; the military had broken him of any means of comfort. He turned off the water and grabbed a towel and his gun, which he'd left on the counter near the sink. He slowly opened the door and checked his room before unwrapped the towel and pulling on some light clothes. The air was a bit cool but the spring sun would warm them as they ran.

He pulled on a t-shirt and running shorts while still holding his gun. He looked at it in his hands and wondered what he could do with it. _Too risky to leave it unholstered in my pocket._ He thought as he felt the cold metal pull on his shorts as he tried to position the gun somewhere. _Ed will be way too suspicious if I bring it._ He finally concluded. He laid the gun on his bed as he thought about what he could use instead. He went over to another drawer and looked under his socks. He found his old switchblade, not his weapon of choice, but it was something. He slipped it into the pocket of his nylon running shorts and ran in place for a moment, satisfied by the weight and feel.

He heard his phone beep again as he jumped a bit at the sound. _Easy Braddock._ He took a breath and went back into the bathroom to fish his phone out of his pocket. There was a new text, again from Jules.

"Just pulled into the lot, on our way up." Sam's heart jumped for a bit as he walked back into his living room and saw the pool of blood in the center of the room. _Shit!_ He thought on his feet and, phone still in hand, grabbed his wallet and a water bottle from the refrigerator. He quickly went out his front door, locking it behind him as Ed and Jules rounded the corner and headed towards his door.

"Sam, how you doing bud?" Ed asked with a relaxed expression. The question could have been taken a few ways and Sam knew that Ed was fishing for some kind of marker of how he was coping. Sam found his eyes and latched onto their gaze. He nodded and tried to think of the right words.

"Good as can be expected I guess." His voice was fairly controlled and his expression stuck in a hard gaze that didn't reveal much. Ed nodded and broke the eye contact as he smiled a bit.

"Ready to go?" Sam nodded and began to lead the way from the building. He slipped his keys into his pocket as he gently fingered the blade that laid so nicely in the seam of his pocket. Sam slid into the backseat as Jules jumped into the passenger seat. "I figured that after lunch I could drop you guys off at Headquarters to get your car...well your bike I guess Sam." Ed said with a smile as he backed out of the parking space and used the opportunity to look at Sam.

"Sounds good." Jules said. It didn't seem like Sam had been listening, his eyes had been scanning the parking lot and the road as he sat tensely.

"You alright Sam? You seem a little tense." Ed said as his eyes lingered in the rearview mirror.

"Fine." Sam said quickly as he redirected his attention to his team mates. "You hear from Spike?" He asked quickly changing the subject. Ed eyed him suspiciously through the rearview mirror again.

"Boss called me this morning. Spike stayed at Wordy's last night, he was pretty torn up..." Ed said as he signaled a turn and merged into a new lane.

"Rightfully so." Jules said. She hadn't said much since they'd met up with Sam. She seemed tired but in an overall better mindset than last night. Ed nodded.

"It'll be tough for him, it's tough for all of us but he'll get through it...we'll all get through it." Ed turned his concentration to the road as Jules began to fiddle with the radio. There might have been some menial conversation as the ride continued, Sam wasn't really paying attention, all of his focus was on trying to breath calmly and keep his eyes peeled for signs of being followed. They pulled off the main road and headed towards the large nature preserve. One the large, steep, hill there were hiking and bike paths marked different colors for difficulty. They pulled in past the small pond where children threw pieces of bread to ducks and parked the car near a map. They stood around it for a moment looking at the trails. They all interconnected at some points and Sam was worrying about their vulnerability as he saw the paths.

"This one looks good." Jules said as she pointed her finger along a red path. It led through the woods to the top of the hill and looked to be one of the steepest sections. Ed looked at it carefully for a minute, tracing the path with his finger.

"I like it. Sam, think you can keep up?" Ed asked jokingly. Sam had seemed distracted, almost worried as he looked at the map. "Sam?"

"Yeah, red looks good." Sam said quickly as he turned away from his friends and kicked his foot back, pulling his hamstring to stretch it out. Jules had a foot up on a nearby bench as she retied her shoes, Ed subtly walked over to Sam as he stretched his shoulders.

"Sam, are you sure you're okay? You seem pretty tired and...well you seem a little distracted." Ed said gently as he tried to read Sam's stiff expression.

"I'm fine Ed." Sam said a little more harshly than intended. "Let's go." He said louder as he started to jog towards the shaded over path. Ed stood for a moment and thought as Jules yelled over her shoulder.

"Come on Ed." Ed took a deep breath and began to jog after the pair, wondering what the day would bring.

_Wanted to write more today but the pain is getting pretty bad. Maybe tomorrow. Tell me what you think. _


	9. Chapter 8

Shooting at Shadows-Chapter 8

_You know the drill by now. I'm still pretty exhausted, I didn't end up taking the pain meds so as far as I know I'm relatively coherent. I really wanted to write this chapter and I didn't want to wait until the next block of time that I was unmedicated, so here you are. Please tell me what you think, this story has attracted more than double the attention of my others and the funny thing is that I don't like it as much as my others, so what is it that's drawing you? Yes, I'm talking to you. Still don't own Flashpoint. If you're craving to know what's happening with Wordy and Spike you need to go to my other story, "Nothing's Broken" to find out because I'm not going to tell you in this one. _

Though to the three SRU members their pace was not especially strenuous, to a passerby they would seem to be sprinting up the steep hill. Sam was a few steps ahead of Ed and Jules as they ran up the narrow, winding path. The sun peeked through the trees on occasion but for the most part the trees blocked out most of the light. They came to a bend in the path and followed the red arrow leading them deeper into the woods on the winding path to the top of the hill. Sam had set the pace early on and though it was not difficult for any of them, it was not a pace that they would be able to talk to each other. The only sounds came from their shoes hitting the dirt and their steady breaths. The path led them around the hill, circling them in a spiral pattern so even though the direct route to the top was only about five miles, they were planning on running nearly eleven.

Sam had lost track of time. The only thing that kept him grounded in reality was the gentle beating of his running shoes against the path and the sounds of his own breath. He had a rhythm: every five steps he would breath and every ten steps he would visually sweep the next thirty feet. He had studied the map and knew when other paths would intersect with theirs, he was particularly cautious in those areas. They hadn't run into anyone since they'd gotten further into the woods, this was by far the most difficult route and the only paths that really intersected would be for mountain bikers. It was a Tuesday morning...or maybe it was afternoon now...Sam didn't really know, time had blurred together as he again scanned the surrounding area. He heard the ringing from behind him and before he even knew what was happening he had stopped short and his hand was in his pocket reaching for the knife. Jules ran into him, not expecting the short stop as Ed slowed and reached into his pocket to answer his phone. Sam relaxed as he saw Ed put the phone to his ear.

"Lane." Ed said as he answered his phone. Jules was laughing as she untangled herself from Sam.

"Sorry Sammy," She said as she stood back for a minute. "You okay?" She put her hands on her head and took a few deep breaths.

"Yeah, I'm good. I was just surprised." Sam said as he took a few deep breaths himself. He scanned the area again, not yet taking his hand from his pocket.

"You guys go ahead, I'll catch up in a minute." Ed said to Sam and Jules as he returned his attention to his phone. They nodded to each other and jogged down the path a bit slower than before, waiting for Ed to catch up. "Nah, Wordy it's a good time, just on a run with Sam and Jules." Ed said into his phone as he tried to even his breathing. "You know, Jules will be alright, she just needs some time. Not too sure about Sam yet." Ed walked down the path a bit to try and keep the distance between them even. "Spike awake yet? Well he had to be exhausted. No, let him sleep, he'll appreciate it in the next few days." Ed heard something from up the path and picked up his speed a bit. "Wordy, I'll call you back a little later okay?" Ed asked as he hung up his phone and jogged. He rounded a corner as he picked up the speed again. He couldn't pinpoint what it was, but he knew that something was wrong. About forty feet later the path sharply changed into a downward decline. From the top of the path Ed was able to piece together what had happened.

Sam was on his knees at the bottom of the small valley, Jules about ten feet away, her hands raised in a non-threatening manner. Ed saw a tree root protruding into the path about fifteen feet ahead of him. _Sam must have tripped and rolled down the rest of the way._ Ed figured as he cautiously walked down towards his friends. He was a bit confused as to why Jules was standing like she was but as he got closer he saw the cause of her worry. Sam was holding his knife in an open position, his eyes rapidly looking over the area. Ed wasn't sure what to make of the scene, Sam was tense and his breathing was heavy but Ed knew that he would never hurt Jules. He was inching his way down to path towards them, not wanting to startle Sam as he approached.

"Sam? Buddy, what's going on?" Ed asked as he got within earshot. He was about twenty feet away from Sam and he motioned for Jules to back off a bit. Sam didn't look at them, he seemed to be looking for something in the trees behind them. "Sam, what are you looking at?" Ed asked gently as he lowered his hands and got into a kneeling position. Sam's elbows and knees looked like they were scrapped from the fall but it didn't seem that he could feel pain at the moment. He was tightly clutching the knife making the scars on his knuckles more pronounced.

"Where are the insurgents?" Though Sam had barley whispered, the statement seemed to pierce the air. Ed was taken aback a bit by the question but quickly recovered.

"Sam, look at me." Ed said gently but with authority that demanded his attention. "Sam, do you know who I am?" Ed finally found Sam's eyes and latched on. He was speaking as calmly as possible but internally he was panicking. Sam looked confused by the question as his face changed.

"Ed, why you asking that?" Sam's tone was that of pure innocence and genuine confusion. His muscles had relaxed a bit as he looked at his Team Leader's comforting face. Jules looked exceptionally worried, her eyes were glassy as if tears were coming to them. "Jules, what's the matter?" Sam asked in a reassuring tone. "You're safe, I'm gonna protect you." Sam said as he got to his feet and, after scanning the surrounding area again, walked over and hugged Jules.

"Sam, buddy," Ed said as Sam turned and looked at him. "can you give me the knife?" Ed asked as he extended his hand. Sam looked confused again.

"I need to protect us." Sam said firmly with a tone of innocence in his voice.

"I hear you Sam, you want to protect us, but I think it's best if I hold onto the knife. I promise you, no one is going to hurt us here." Ed said as he maintained a calm eye contact with Sam. He reluctantly looked at the knife and handed it to Ed who collapsed it and put it in his pocket. "Good job, Sam." Ed said as he squeezed his shoulder. He looked at Jules who still looked worried behind Sam's back. "You know, I'm getting kind of tired, you guys want to head back?" Ed asked as he gave a meaningful look to Jules.

"Yeah, I'm exhausted." She said half-heartedly. Sam nodded as he started to returned to reality; he realized that his act was up and that he was not going to get out of this mess easily.

"Let's head back." Ed said as Jules started walking back up the path. Ed put a gentle hand on Sam's back, a reassuring gesture, but Sam flinched a bit at the feeling. "You okay buddy?" Ed asked, not quite sure what to make of the signals he was getting.

"I'm good." Sam said as his voice returned to his usual tone, the tone that meant he was hiding something. _Not for much longer._ He thought as the walk fell into silence.

_Didn't turn out the way I hoped it would. What do you guys think, believable? Tell me what you think, not sure when the next update will be. I'm not sure what to do, take the pain meds now and pass out hungry or eat something and then take the meds but be nauseous all night. Trying to be positive, I'm getting some great hands on experience for my next story._


	10. Chapter 9

Shooting At Shadows-Chapter 9

_I know these chapters have been short, I don't know if it's because of my inability to type/focus for long periods of time or if I just really want to get the updates out. Just a warning, for those of you waiting for a Jam moment, don't hold your breath, I don't know what it is but I just don't like writing Jules...also a factor though is that I don't like writing love stories. I guess I just don't imagine her having any big things happening like Sam and Spike, she'd cry a lot at home, put on a strong face at work, and then she'd slowly move forward. I just can't do anything fun with her like I can do with Sam, speaking of which, tell me what you think so far. Also, I don't own Flashpoint, though I can wish right?_

Sam felt constricted by the silence, suffocated by the lack of words and the thick divisions that seemed to have fallen around them. Even though they were physically close to each other, almost too close for Sam to be comfortable with, he felt extremely isolated from his friends. He was hyperaware of the subtle looks Ed was giving Jules, the nervous ticks that she was displaying, the difficulty she was having keeping eye contact with him. The smiles were the worst; the fake smiles that he'd seen many times, they were trying to comfort him but were only making him more anxious.

As they got closer to the beginning of the trails more people began passing them on their way down the winding trails. Sam's muscles tensed a bit as he looked at the people and thought about how now he was unarmed. Ed didn't miss the searching glances and the tightening muscles but he thought it would be best not to say anything until they were in a more controlled environment. Sam looked anxious as they reached the mouth of the trail. There were people sitting on benches, walking around and looking at the maps of the surrounding areas. Children laughed from the pond as the ducks came to the edge and ate the bread they were throwing. Sam was frozen in his spot, his eyes moving quickly over all the people, the threats.

"Jules, start the car." Ed said as he tossed her the keys. "Sam, buddy, look at me." Ed said gently as he moved in front of Sam, a hand on his shoulder. Sam would not look straight at Ed, he was evaluating his surroundings and he was vastly outnumbered.

"Ed," Sam said in a breathless whisper as he turned a bit towards his left. Ed kept a firm but comforting grip on his shoulder. "I need the knife back...we...we're surrounded, I need the knife, let go of me."

"Sam, look at me." Ed said more firmly as he demanded Sam's attention again. Sam reluctantly looked at his friends but his eyes occasionally darted to other people moving past them. "Sam, no one is here to hurt us. You hear me? No one is going to hurt us." Ed's features were firm and serious but sympathetic. "You hear me Sam?" Ed asked again as Sam's eyes began darting back and forth again.

"I hear you Ed," Sam said in a whisper. "but you've never been in war."

"We are not at war Sam." Ed said firmly. "This is not Afghanistan and these people are not out to get you." Ed looked directly in Sam's eyes as he tried to gently pull him towards the car. Sam stood firm and returned Ed's gaze.

"If this isn't war then I shouldn't be losing friends to land mines." Sam's tone was somewhere between icy and pained, it was a tone that only Sam could pull off. Ed looked at him for a moment before pulling him into a hug. He felt Sam tense at the sudden contact but he slowly began to relax.

"Come on buddy." Ed said after a few minutes in the embrace. He led Sam over to the car and sat him in the backseat with Jules. She put a gentle hand on his forearm as Ed got into the driver's seat and shifted into gear. "Jules, we'll drop you off at Headquarters to get your car. Sam and I are going to go to my place for a little bit." Ed said as Jules nodded and Sam looked angry at the proclamation.

"Please, just let me get my bike and go home." Sam pleaded, knowing the answer already.

"I can't do that Sam." Ed said shortly with a sympathetic tone. Sam nodded as the ride fell back into silence.

It didn't take them long to get back to headquarters. The parking garage was dark and cool as Jules reluctantly let go of Sam's arm and got out of the car. Ed turned off the ignition as he stepped out. "We can grab your bike and see if it'll fit in the back Sam." He offered as Sam nodded and opened the door. He walked off towards the bike rack and Ed followed a few feet behind him. Sam undid the lock and started to wheel it towards Ed's car.

"I'm not going to make a break for it you know." He said bitterly as he passed Ed and opened the hatch on the SUV.

"I know Sam." Ed said gently as he helped him position the bike in the trunk. Jules approached them and gave them both hugs.

"I'll talk to you guys soon." She said as she gave Ed a look that put extra emphasis on the 'soon' part. Ed nodded.

"I'll call you later Jules. Drive safe." He said as he returned to the driver's side of his truck and Sam to the passenger side. They waved as she drove past them and Sam let his face settle into the familiar stern expression. He looked straight through the windshield as Ed settled into his seat and adjusted the mirrors. "You good, Sam?" Ed asked as he looked at his friend, stiff in the passenger seat. He smiled a bit at the question.

"Good as I can be seeing insurgents in every person who walks by I guess." He still did not make eye contact as Ed took a deep breath and nodded.

"It's okay Sam," Ed said as Sam let out a small laugh. "I mean it, you're gonna be okay Sam." Ed said seriously as Sam kept his gaze steady through the windshield. He changed the gear in the car and turned onto the street. After a few minutes he began speaking again. "You know, Clark's been asking about you. He wanted to work on his slap-shot and he says I'm a terrible goalie." Ed smiled as he glanced at Sam again. His expression was hard, small talk was not going to do anything to help the awkwardness he felt but Ed needed to try something to get him to open up. "You with me Sam?" He asked, not sure if Sam was listening. He nodded and the ride returned to silence again.

_Power's out here so I don't have internet or a means of charging my computer. So I'm going to end this chapter here, scrounge around for some food, and then if my computer doesn't die while I'm trying to work on some homework, I'll try to write some more. I really wanted to finish this story before this weekend because I've got a two one-shots and a story on retainer in the back of my mind, but circumstances arise. Tell me what you think._


	11. Chapter 10

Shooting At Shadows-Chapter 10

_Thanks for reading this far, you guys are awesome. If you've reviewed recently, I posted a response as a review, it was easier to just go down the list. I'm almost at 50 reviews!Yippie! I'm going to try and finish this one up this weekend (though I don't know if that's actually going to happen) and then I've got a few quick one-shot ideas I need to get written. On the other hand, I'm behind on my homework and have a midterm...tomorrow...whoops. Okay, I'll pound out this chapter and see how long it takes me to study for that. So let's get going. I still don't own Flashpoint, though last night I had a really awesome dream that I was a writer for the show...I think I've been writing a bit too much fanfic...Review please!_

Nothing else had been said during the ride, Ed considered trying to get Sam to talk but he knew that small talk would do nothing to quell his deep emotions. They pulled into the familiar driveway of Ed's small suburban home and got out of the car. Ed grabbed his bag from the backseat and fiddled with his keys as they approached the front door, Sam a few steps behind him. Sam walked stiffly, there was no expression on his face and his hands were at his sides. Ed didn't miss the subtle changes in Sam's demeanor. _He's in solider mode again. _He slipped the key into the door and punched the code into the alarm system.

"Soph?" He yelled into the house, not sure if his wife was home. He motioned Sam into the living room and went to the kitchen, speaking over his shoulder. "Thirsty, Sam? We've got water, soda, lemonade..." He said as he saw a note on the kitchen counter. _Grocery Shopping, will be home soon. Love you._ He smiled at the note and got himself a water bottle out of the refrigerator. Ed wanted a beer but he knew that they both needed to be sober. "Sam, anything strike your fancy?" Ed called again, hoping to get Sam to talk.

"No thank you." He heard the quiet statement from the living room but grabbed a water bottle anyway. He cracked the seal on his water and put the other bottle in front of Sam. He was standing next to a chair, hands resting behind his back, his gaze fixed on the wall in front of him. Ed was stuck for a moment, he could mirror Sam, be a solider and maybe break through the tough exterior, or he could ignore his negotiator side and be a friend. He stood for a moment before putting a gentle hand on Sam's shoulder.

"Sit down, Sam." He said gently, gesturing towards the couch. Sam took a breath before waking the few short steps over to the couch and sitting down. The soft pillows were almost uncomfortable if not uncommon to Sam as he tried to remain straight backed and firm. Ed sat across from him, it was far enough away not to crowd him, but close enough that he could be next to him within a second. Ed sat back comfortable and took a sip of his water. He had a small smile on his face and his expression was soft. "Sam," he took a breath and when his blue eyes returned to Sam's his expression was sympathetic and pained. "just talk to me. I'm not here to judge you, I'm not here as your Team Leader, I'm not here to pressure you into telling me something you're not willing to tell...I'm here because I'm your friend. I care about you Sam and I hate to see you hurting like this. Let me help you." Ed finished. His eyes conveyed passion and sincerity as Sam tried to figure out what to make of the speech.

Sam took some deep breaths. His mind was again divided. There was the mind that he had formed over his entire lifetime. First his father had physically imprinted the message that weakness would get you killed then war solidified that truth. That part of his mind was closed off to Ed's gentle questioning. _Go at it alone, you're the only person you can trust._ It whispered in his ear as Ed took another sip of water.

Sam leaned forward and picked up the bottle that Ed had brought out for him. He smiled to himself. _I said I didn't want anything but he knew...how would he know if he didn't care?_ He questioned his own mind. He cracked the seal and took a small sip. Something had changed within him since he'd joined the SRU, he couldn't pinpoint it but he was just overall more aware of things. First it was other people. He could see their pain and anger and their emotions and he slowly came to understand how not every subject was a bad guy. Then something that he never thought could happen occurred: he found his own emotions. He had hidden them deep in his mind behind all of the defense mechanisms and carefully constructed masks but slowly they were surfacing. At first he resented and resisted this flow of emotions but slowly, with the help of his friends and his work, he embraced the fact that he was an entire human being. Being in the SRU had made him more than a point-and-shoot sniper, he was a person who was vulnerable and who had emotions. _What's the worst that can happen?_

He looked up from his thoughts at Ed. He hadn't said anything since he finished his lecture. It was a risky move, Sam was just as stubborn as Ed was and it could have easily turned into a staring contest when Ed left it up to Sam to speak next. Sam waited a moment as he felt his heart pounding in his chest, these were uncharted waters for and he didn't really know where to start. He took a deep breath and relaxed his muscles a bit. It wasn't much but Ed could tell that it was a step in the right direction. Sam bit his lip and looked at Ed with slightly softer eyes. He kept eye contact for a moment but he looked away as he began speaking.

"I appreciate it Ed, I really do," Sam started with a soft voice. "but you can't help me. I just...I'm too messed up." Sam let out a sigh as he chanced a look up at Ed. He was expected anger or disappointment to be on his face but was surprised to see a look of understanding.

"I know what you mean Sam. Sometimes things are really deep, feels like you can't escape...but you can get out of it." Ed tried to read Sam's expression as he thought about what direction to go in. Sam was first a bit confused by his friend's response, it was nothing like he would have expected and he was almost comforted by Ed's words. Almost. He quickly felt angry, at who he wasn't sure. Ed was trying hard to get through to Sam that they weren't that different but he wasn't having it. He subtly shook his head.

"No. You don't know me. No one knows me and no one can understand." He said firmly as he returned his gaze to Ed's blue eyes. Ed was obviously listening hard and he had a calm look on his face. He nodded for a moment and then smiled as he leaned back.

"Try me." His voice was not mocking, it was a combination of questioning and sympathetic. Sam almost instantly shook his head and his muscles were tensing again as he was growing frustrated. "Sam," Ed said as he called for his attention again. "you're not the only one with demons." Sam froze at the strong statement, not sure what to do or say. _He knows._ He thought as his mind flashed back to the conversation he'd had with Lou weeks ago. Pain came to his face as he remembered his friend. "You with me, Sam?" Ed asked, a bit worried not knowing what he triggered. Sam nodded as he took a sip from the water bottle, his hands shaking. He took a few deep breaths and seemed to calm. "Try me, Sam." Ed said more gently this time. Sam sat, staring for a while. He wasn't sure where he wanted to go with the conversation. Every muscle in his body was begging him to move, to punch, to do something to alleviate the tension but he knew there was no escape for Ed's careful scrutiny. They both heard the unmistakable sounds of a key in the door and Sam used the distraction as a chance to breath. Footsteps came from the hall as Clark walked into the room.

"Hey Dad," He said as he rounded the corner and his eyes fell on Sam. "Sam, it's been like, forever." Clark was obviously tired and his eyes were bloodshot. Ed had told him early this morning about Lou and though he had done a good job covering it up, he had been crying during the day. The small smile on his face changed as he looked more carefully at Sam. "I thought you guys were off today, how'd that happen?" He said as he looked from Sam to his father, confusion in his eyes. "...I'll get the first aid kit." They had been sitting there for hours absorbed in reading each other's eyes and expressions that they'd forgotten Sam's bloodied knees and forearms from the fall.

"Thanks Clark." Ed said as he looked at Sam and wondered how neither had thought to patch him up. Sam was back to not moving, barley breathing it seemed, when Clark reentered the room. The tension was tangible as he felt the awkwardness in the air. He gave a quick glance to his father and got the feeling that he should leave. He put the first aid kit on the table and grabbed his backpack.

"I'm going to start some homework...call if you need anything." He said as he looked over the room again, not sure what to make of the scene in front of him. Ed gave him a gentle nod and Sam's gaze didn't leave the wall. Ed grabbed the first aid kit and moved to sit next to Sam on the couch.

"I don't need a band-aid." Sam said sarcastically. He knew that the injuries were not bad, just scrapes.

"I believe you buddy, just let me clean you up a bit." Ed said with a bit of a smile as he pulled out some alcohol wipes. He gently turned Sam's forearm to allow him to get a better look at the scrapping. Ed felt Sam's muscles tense under his touch, his arm was shaking with the force of the muscles. Ed put his hands up in a non-threatening manner and moved a little further away from his friend. "You okay, Sam?" He asked. It took a moment but he was able to see his muscles relax and saw Sam let out a breath. He nodded.

"Yeah."

"Alright buddy, I'm going to move a little closer now so I can see what I'm doing, okay?" Ed asked as he waited for Sam's response. He nodded and Ed inched his way closer. "I'm going to clean your arm off with an alcohol wipe. Still with me, Sam?" Ed asked. He didn't want to move before Sam was ready for him to continue.

"I'm not a kid and I'm not a subject. Either do it, or leave it and I'll get it later." Sam said bitterly. He could hear the tone in Ed's voice and he knew that he messed up by tensing his muscles but it was as natural a reaction as breathing was for him.

"I hear you Sam." Ed said as he started cleaning the dirt and dried blood. They sat there in silence for a few minutes while Ed gently cleaned his arms and then his knees. As he finished up with the new wounds he looked at Sam's hands. "Didn't like the bandages?" Ed asked as he looked at Sam. He shook his head. Ed nodded and closed the first aid kit. He moved back to his seat to give Sam some space and he was able to see him relax a bit. They sat in silence for a few minutes as they both tried to anticipate the next move.

"I might not be the only one with demons," Sam started speaking in a calculating tone which didn't reveal much. "but the scars are too deep. Can't risk opening those up again." Sam's voice grew more sincere as he continued speaking. _Why am I fighting this, I know that he's not going to let me leave until I talk...maybe it'll help._ Ed nodded and Sam was able to tell that he knew, he had legitimately experienced, the same insecurities.

"What'll it hurt?" Ed asked in a calm tone. Sam took a few deep breaths. He started out angry but he tried to control himself. He looked up with a sad expression that Ed had never seen before.

"Where do I start?" It was barley a whisper. He sounded vulnerable and unsure. Ed tried not to make his relief obvious, he didn't know what he'd do if Sam didn't talk, but he thought for a moment on the question.

"Where does it feel right to start from?" Ed asked, trying not to lead him. He knew that the war wounds were fresh but if Sam was questioning, Ed wondered if there were other things that he didn't know about. It briefly crossed his mind that he might have been setting himself up for something he wasn't equipped to handle but he quickly dismissed the thought as he leaned forward a bit and prepared himself to listen.

_I know, evil cliffhanger, I'm sorry. I seriously woke up and wrote all day and didn't even realize the time until my roommates came and got me to go to dinner. So I desperately need to do some homework, still playing catch-up from last week when I was medicated and I have to prepare for this week. More will come, maybe tonight, maybe tomorrow, probably by Tuesday the latest. Tell me what you're thinking, are you hating the direction it's going? I feel like I'm getting out of character here with Sam, I don't know how much he'd willingly disclose like this, so I'll see if I can do something to rectify that in the upcoming chapters. Just a reminder, if you reviewed recently, I responded as a review, so take a look. Thanks!_


	12. Chapter 11

Shooting At Shadows-Chapter 11

_Alright, so I was playing with this idea for a little bit and HorseKrazy kind of validified it for me. So thanks for that. Also thanks to my loyal readers, Taboo-Hearts, Tinkerpanda, .Naxen, iheartlife, you guys know who you are. I know there are more of you, by the way, I look at my story traffic often and see that I'm getting hundreds of hits a day, let me know you're out there, drop me a line, just say hi. I really do like knowing that there are people reading these stories and obviously liking it if they keep coming back. I want to thank you too! Let me know who you are! On that note, here we go. Still don't own Flashpoint, still looking for feedback. I didn't exactly think through an ending for this one...a bit of a problem on my part...what are your thoughts? I'm obviously open to ideas._

Sam was leaning forward on the couch his elbows resting on his knees and his head resting in his palms. He had been starting at the floor for a few minutes trying to figure out how much he wanted to disclose. _I mean, if I'm going to do this, I might as well go all out._ He thought to himself as he finally decided on his course. He looked up at Ed who had an expression of calm relief on his face. He took a few breaths and tried to form the words, his mouth changing shapes as he thought hard about what to say. After a few attempts he lowered his head again into his hands, his hair fell over his forehead as he massaged his temples. "I don't think I can do this." He said quietly as exhaustion started to creep into his muscles.

"Sam, I know you can do this." Ed said confidently. "It's tough, don't get me wrong, it's really hard but you can do this. Trust me here, it'll help." Ed assured him as Sam nodded and took a few deep breaths.

"Is it seriously corny to start at my childhood?" He asked with a slight smile. Ed returned the smirk and shook his head, waiting for Sam to continue. "Okay, I guess I've got nothing to lose." He said as took another breath and thought about where to start. "Well...I guess I was about seven...when the General was promoted and we moved back to Canada. I mean, my whole life had been jumping from one base to another in war zones, so a stopover in suburbia was a nice change of pace." Sam said as he looked to Ed for some conformation that he was doing well. Ed nodded and his expression prompted Sam to keep talking. He took another deep breath and returned his gaze to the floor. "At least...well I thought it would nice but..." he shook his head as he took a sip from the water bottle, his hands were shaking again. "My sister," He started a new thought as he looked up briefly from the floor. "she really liked it. She was five when we moved here. She was really excited about school and friends, normal five year old girl stuff." Sam shrugged as he fell deep into thought. Ed waited for a few minutes and saw that Sam was stuck in his head before deciding to gently prod.

"I didn't know you have a sister, Sam." He said lightly, a bit surprised by the revelation. He didn't know everything about his team but he thought that he'd at least known about their family. Sam's head was in his hands and his expression hardened as he fought against the tears threatening to escape his eyes. He didn't look up as he spoke this time.

"Wrong tense." He mumbled in a bitter whisper as a tear peeked through his eyelid.

"Sorry...?" Ed asked, unsure to the meaning of Sam's prior statement.

"Had." Sam replied as he let out a subtle ragged breath. Ed understood the context of the word but Sam continued. "I had a sister...Sara...but she died," He said with a heavy voice. "and it's my fault." He finished, not daring look up. Tears were slowly dripping from his eyes but he contained himself and regained control of his breathing. Ed gave him a few moments to calm down, knowing that he wouldn't want to openly cry, before speaking again.

"Talk to me here, Sam..." Ed prompted after a few minutes of silence. He didn't want Sam lost in his head again. "Sam..." Ed had an almost pleading tone. They'd gotten so far, Sam had started talking and Ed couldn't let him fall back into himself and stay trapped by his mind. "How old were you?" Ed asked gently. He wanted to let Sam tell him at his own pace but a direct questions was a starting point. Ed knew that Sam was probably taking unnecessary guilt for his sister's death, he didn't know all the circumstances but he was sure that Sam would never have done something to cause it.

"Eight." Sam said simply, not looking up from the floor. His voice was heavy with emotion. "I was eight. Sara had just turned six a few weeks earlier. She was..." He paused a moment as he took a few deep breaths, his voice was clearing and he had controlled his breathing a bit. "She was really excited because it was one of the first warm weekends of spring, you know, the snow had melted and the grass was coming in and it felt so nice out we just wanted to play outside so badly." Sam looked up and saw that Ed was listening intently with soft eyes. Sam had never seen Ed be so gentle, he wasn't sure what to make of the expression. "She loved the swings, said that she felt like she was flying when I pushed her on the swings." He started off towards a wall as he continued. "My mother was out grocery shopping and the General was too busy to walk us to the park. He told me that I was old enough to take care of things myself." A small smile slipped onto Sam's face. "I was so excited that he trusted me...well I mean, that's the most affirmation I've ever gotten from the General so it was a big thing..." He let out a sad laugh. "I made Sara wear a coat. It was so warm out but I didn't want to forget anything and lose the General's trust so I made her wear her coat and I packed a backpack with snacks and water and a first aid kit." He looked over at Ed. "The park was only two blocks from our house but I wanted to be prepared for anything." He returned his gaze to the wall. "She refused to change her shoes though. She had these pink and purple flip flops on and my mother had just painted her toe nails the night before..." Sam's face hardened as his expression turned to one of anger. "I should have seen the car earlier." His muscles were tense as an edge came to his voice. "We only had to cross one street and we were waiting for the crosswalk light to turn green. She was so eager, I was holding her hand and telling her to wait...I...I wasn't paying attention to the cars." His voice had progressively gotten quieter and his gaze had drifted further from Ed's as he spoke. His muscles grew tense again as he made fists with his hands. "I should have been paying more attention damn it!" He said frustrated his voice growing a bit louder. He took a few breaths. "It was 4 PM but some asshole was drunk. He jumped the curb..." Sam said quietly. There was something in the statement that indicated to Ed that he was finished.

Ed sat in silence for a few moments slowly nodding his head. His face had remained calm and attentive but his eyes were pained. He'd never seen Sam like this, he'd never let his guard down in the past to let anyone in. Ed tried to think of what to say, there was a lot that he wanted to say but he couldn't decide how to start.

"That wasn't your fault, Sam." He said softly, hesitantly. He'd lived under this guilt for most of his life and Ed knew that he needed to be careful in contradicting his feelings. Sam sat still his gaze fixed at his feet again.

"You don't know anything." Sam said bitterly as he starred at his hands. His tone was cold and devoid of emotion.

"I know this Sam:" Ed waited for Sam to look at him before he continued. "it was not your fault that your sister died. Sara was killed by a drunk driver and there's nothing you could have done about that." Ed said in a tone that was simultaneously firm and sympathetic. Sam started at him, a cold look in his eyes. Ed let the stare continue for a few minutes, not breaking eye contact as he tried to make sure his point sunk in. Sam was eventually the one to look away, his gaze returning to the floor. He mumbled something under his breath as Ed leaned forward a bit more. "What was that Sam?" He said firmly. Sam looked at him again and with a defiant look repeated it.

"There's no backtalk with the General." Ed's expression again turned to confusion as he tilted his head in a question. "What the General says goes. No backtalk. No complaining. No crying." He paused for a moment as he recited the rules his face hard and angry. "He was not raising a wussy cry-baby. He was not raising some weakling." Sam had changed as he spoke, his inflection colder and unemotional, his muscles stiff and his back straight. He looked at the wall in front of him as he barley moved.

"Must have been tough to grow up like that..." Ed tried to get Sam to open up again. He had regressed to simple sentences since he'd finished talking about Sara and he needed to start talking agin. Sam nodded slightly, more rocked subtly back and forth as Ed saw something flash behind his eyes. _Pain, almost fear..._ Ed questioned as Sam continued to rock subtly.

"Yeah." He said as he hardened his gaze again. "It was tough...but I learned fast." Ed was about to pose another question when suddenly stood up and started to pace quickly, his head down. Ed stood as well but stayed where he was. He tried to figure out what had happened.

"Sam, talk to me buddy, what's going on?" Ed asked with slight urgency slipping into his voice. Sam stopped pacing for a minute and his upper body rocked back and forth again. He looked at Ed but quickly shook his head no and resumed pacing. Ed stood for a moment and tried to figure out what to do. It looked like Sam was silently talking to himself, his lips were moving but no sound left his mouth. He was getting wound up and angry and even though every part of his brain knew it was a bad idea, he stepped forward and reached out, putting a gentle hand on Sam's shoulder. He froze for a moment under the touch and suddenly reacted.

He threw his arms back and clamped his hands around the wrist on his shoulder. He pulled the hand forward towards his chest and was putting heavy pressure on the elbow leveraged against his shoulder. A part of him heard Ed talking to him quickly, pain obvious in his loud voice, but words were not reaching him. He was pulling hard on arm, he could easily dislocate the shoulder from his position, or break the wrist or elbow. Anger was controlling his actions and he was in a daze that was growing harder to break out of until he heard something he hadn't expected. A smaller voice was speaking softly to him. It quivered with worry and fear. Words were coming to him from this voice, his name was being said.

Clark stood a few feet away from them, panic evident on his face as he tried to get through to Sam. He had heard his father yelling from upstairs and was confused by the scene in front of him. Ed was trying to talk to Sam but Clark was able to see that his eyes were glazed over and his expression was pure anger. He stepped forward, against his father's protests, and was speaking softly to Sam. He didn't really say much, just his name over and over again until his eyes finally seemed to see him.

Sam finally snapped out of his blind rage and quickly released Ed's arm, not sure he wanted to turn around to see him. He tried looking for a way out but all he saw was Clark in front of him. Fear and confusion were plastered onto his face and Sam felt the expression almost burn his eyes. _He's afraid of me. _He said to himself as he stood, plastered to the spot.

_That's going to be it for now. I don't know what it is, still can't get into this story. I'll probably finish it up soon that way I can write some of my other ones, I've got so many ideas I'm eager to get to after I finish this one. Maybe another two chapters to finish it up. Still not sure how I want to end it. It's really bothering me that I can't get into this, just doesn't feel right...I don't know, maybe I'm just tired. Probably won't update tomorrow, maybe by Thursday night. Tell me what you think. _


	13. Chapter 12

Shooting At Shadows-Chapter 12

_Break! I have a week free(ish) and I'm planning on finishing this one up really soon that way I can get some of these one-shot ideas out of my head. Still not totally sure of the direction I want to go but I've got a bit of plan...maybe...well we'll see how it comes out when I write it. Thanks for all the reviews, still don't own anything. _

Time had seemed to stop for a moment as the three men stood plastered to their spots in Ed's living room, none of them was sure what exactly to do or say. Ed was nursing his wrist and arm trying to keep a calm face; Sam was starring past Clark his breathing was fast and heavy as he tried to figure out what to do, how to escape. Clark was, oddly enough, the first one to speak.

"Dad," his tone conveyed obvious worry but his voice was steady and strong as he continued. "you should go get some ice for your arm." He looked at his father with a serious expression. Ed was about to protest when a pang of pain came through his wrist and hand making him hiss with the unexpected throbbing. He took a few deep breaths before looking between his Sam and his son.

"Okay, that's a good idea Clark." He started cautiously, not sure what kind of a mindset Sam was in. "I'm going to get a towel from the bathroom and then an ice pack from the kitchen. I'll be back in a minute." He said as he tried and failed to get an angle to look at Sam. Ed knew that Clark wanted to help and he knew that he was able to see Sam's expression. He slowly went into the hall bathroom and ran hit wrist under cool water from the faucet. He thought for a moment before pulling up his phone and typing a quick text message to Greg. "FYI: Sam's with me. He was talking but starting to shut down. Might be in over my head." He thought hard again before pressing the send button. _Greg's got enough to worry about with Spike and God knows he'll never rest until he's sure everyone else is good._ He took a breath and pressed the send button. Ed nodded to himself in the mirror and walked slowly into the kitchen, trying to hear what was going on.

He peeked his head in the doorframe as he walked past the room and took stock of the situation. Sam looked calmer, he was sitting on the couch again and though he was stiff, he looked engaged and aware of his surroundings. Clark was sitting on the couch next to Sam talking to him about one of his classes. Ed nodded with a questioning look and, getting a smile from Clark, continued into the kitchen to get the ice from the freezer. His phone vibrated in his pocket as he gently fished it out, flexing his fingers slowly.

"Do you need me? I'll be at Wordy's for dinner, I can stop by." Greg's words lit up the screen as Ed quickly formulated a response.

"We're good. Just keep your phone on." With the message sent he slipped his phone back into his pocket and went back into the living room with a calm expression. Clark had a huge smile on his face as he spoke to Sam who returned a slight smirk.

"And the flutist was like 'I thought there was a saxophone solo,' and I just looked at her and said..." Clark could barley contain his laughter at this point. "bassoon!" He started to crack up as smiles came to both Sam and Ed's faces. Neither knew what he was talking about but at the moment, he exuded innocence and that was something they both needed a taste of. He looked up when he saw that the other men weren't laughing. "Shostakovich's Fourth Symphony doesn't have a sax...they have bassoons..." He tried to explain but gave up when he saw the bewildered look on both of their faces. "guess you had to be there." He said shrugging. Silence fell over the room and none of them knew how to break it.

"I'm sorry about that Sam. I shouldn't have snuck up on you." Ed said with a genuine expression as Sam slowly met his eyes.

"It's...I'm..." Sam started and seemed to think hard before speaking again. "I'm sorry, it wasn't your fault. I...I wasn't here, if that makes sense..." He looked like he was going to say more but eventually seemed to give up.

"Talk to me Sam. What do you mean?" Ed asked as he returned to his spot on the other couch. He looked at Sam critically but tried to keep his tone gentle. Sam's head was again in his hands as he tried to figure out what to say. _I just nearly broke his wrist...guess at the least I owe him an explanation._ He took a few deep breaths, not sure how to say it. He looked up and caught Ed's gaze in the corner of his eye and turned away. He couldn't look at him. _I'm soft...goddamn-it I'm soft._ He shifted his gaze away from Ed and settled on the boy next to him.

Clark looked unsure of what to do. He was sitting a few feet from Sam and his feet were firmly planted. It looked like he was somewhere between trying to get up and trying not to move, he wasn't sure whether to stay or leave. He hadn't been asked (or told for that matter) to leave and his father had not given him any looks that conveyed the message that he was supposed to leave. He wanted to stay, he was exceptionally close to Spike and Sam; they were the older brothers who he wished he had. They were like his father but at the same time had retained a personal life and sensitivity which he rarely saw from Ed. He idolized them and he knew that if something was going on with Sam, he wanted to be there to support him the best he could...even if it was just a distraction he wanted to help. As Clark saw Sam's gaze shift towards him he quickly composed his face and gave an encouraging smile. His eyes were bright and expectant. Sam looked at the wall in front of him critically before continuing.

"I don't know how to say it any better...I wasn't here..." Sam struggled to find the words as Ed nodded.

"Was it a flashback?" Ed asked softly. Sam immediately shook his head.

"No, I just...I was in my head and I was...thinking about...well things...emotions and...just things from my past." Sam said vaguely. He was obviously uncomfortable and his fingers subtly flexed by his side as he looked around the room. Ed knew that Sam wouldn't speak further on the topic unless pushed to do so but he wasn't sure what kind of reaction that might elicit. Ed nodded and tried to figure out how best to approach whatever Sam was hiding so intensely.

"Does it have to do with Sara?" Ed asked gently. Sam froze for a moment at the question and then began to shake his head but with hesitance.

"No...well...I don't know...Indirectly..." Sam looked at Ed, an apologetic look stuck to his face. He wasn't trying to be difficult, he was just overwhelmingly confused and panicked when it came to whatever the topic was. Ed was nodding, trying to figure out another way to broach the subject when they heard a key in the door.

"Hello?" A light voice chanted in the hall. "I'm home with groceries and I know there are two strong men in this house eager to bring them in..." She chanted as she made her way into the living room. "Oh," She said with a smile. "three strong men." She stood in the doorway for a moment and, upon seeing the serious faces, realized that she had walked in on a serious converstaion. The distraction was actually a welcome one as Ed and Sam needed a break to think. Ed broke the silence.

"Hey honey," He got up and gave her a kiss on the check, a message that she didn't interrupt anything. "you say groceries?" Ed said as he obviously looked at Clark who stood and walked to the door. "Good man." Ed yelled after him as he grumbled towards the car. Ed stood back and spoke to his wife. "Sam, Jules, and I went for a run this morning. Sam fell, got a little scraped up, so we came back here to patch him up." Ed gave his wife a significant smile, she knew there was something more to the story but she also knew better than to ask openly about it.

"Well I'm glad," She said with a smile as she approached Sam. He hadn't moved much since she'd come in and he carefully changed his expression to be calmer. "we haven't had you for dinner in ages and I am not letting you go home and eat cereal or freezer dinners or whatever it is you live on." She said as she smiled at him. He returned the smile but there was something obviously wrong with it. Clark came to the door with four bags in his arms.

"Um...little help." He said from behind a mountain of groceries as he tried to step over the threshold. Sam stood and grabbed two of the heavier bags from him. "Thanks." He sighed as he put the bags on the table in the kitchen. Ed moved to take things out of the shopping bags with Sophie as Clark and Sam went to the car to retrieve more groceries.

"Talk fast. What's up with him?" Sophie said to Ed the moment they were out of earshot. Ed quickly ran through the day: the run, the 'insurgents', and Ed's now swollen wrist. Sophie listened closely and asked no questions. She nodded to signify her understanding as Clark and Sam returned. A smile was still on her face as she began asking Clark about his day. Though Sam knew he was welcome and that he wouldn't be leaving until Ed had the rest of the conversation with him, he felt like an outsider to the average family. As he and Clark returned to the car for the last of the bags, Sam found himself wondering what a normal family talked about over dinner.

_That's all for now. More to come soon. Review, give me ideas on how to end because I legitimately don't know how to do it. In my other story I felt like there was this great moment of closure, I want something like that here but I don't know what it could be. Hints?_


	14. Chapter 13

Shooting At Shadows-Chapter 13

_Hoping to end this soon. Maybe another chapter or two depending on how much I include in this. As I was informed, it seems Sam might have more than one sister...whoops...so for my purposes, Sara was it, just so you know. So I'm going to see where this chapter takes me. I'm still open to ideas for an ending though I think I've got something possible (not sure how much I like it). Shame, just can't get into this story, don't know what it is but I will never leave a story unfinished. So here's another part. Still don't own anything, give me some ideas, oh, and nothing too graphic but some abuse references are coming. _

Ed and Sam sat on the porch in the backyard as the sun started to drop into the sky. Sophie was preparing dinner and had demanded they not touch anything (neither Ed nor Sam had great records with cooking) and Clark was setting the table. The night was a bit cool but the environment almost seemed to invigorate Sam. The cool breeze brought energy to him as he restlessly moved his hands and fingers. Ed saw him fidgeting and looked around the yard for a moment. His eyes lingered over a discarded tennis ball for a moment before he stood and retrieved it, tossing it in the air with his right hand. His left hand and wrist was now tightly bandaged to keep the swelling down but Ed gently caught the ball and tossed it to himself again. He held the ball in his right hand and looked over at Sam with a questioning expression. Sam smiled a bit as he held up his right hand and caught the ball that Ed had lightly tossed to him. He also looked at the worn, green ball and tossed it between his right and left hands for an instant before standing and walking to one side of the yard.

"Sure you're good with your wrist?" Sam asked over his shoulder as Ed walked in the opposite direction of him.

"I've always been a righty." Ed said jokingly as he turned around and faced Sam. They stood about thirty feet from each other, the only light came from the setting sun. It had started out gently, high, arching throws across the yard as they both got the feel for the ball and their strength. Ed had let the silence continue since Sophie had come home, he wanted Sam to talk but he didn't want to force him; it was obviously something exceptionally difficult for him if he couldn't tell Ed, even after explaining the circumstances of his sister's death. Ed was content just throwing the ball back and forth, hoping that things would fall into place. He was surprised when Sam caught the ball and looked at it carefully for a moment before speaking.

"I was thinking about...well right after Sara died," He said as he stepped and threw the ball to Ed. He caught it and nodded as he threw the ball back. "I...I knew I was here but at the same time I wasn't really here in my mind," Sam caught the ball again and looked at Ed before throwing. "that make sense?" He asked as he lofted the ball. Ed caught it and looked back at Sam.

"I think so." Ed said as he threw the ball. "You knew that you were in my house, that you weren't in danger but your mind was somewhere else, when you were eight, that right?" Ed asked as Sam held the ball.

"Yeah, that's right." Sam said as he thought for a moment and threw the ball again. Silence fell over them again as they lightly threw the ball back and forth. The sky was a light orange-purple color, their shadows long on the grassy lawn. Sam caught the ball and paused again looking at Ed for a moment before smiling sadly and throwing the ball back. Ed caught the ball and tilted his head a bit as he paused.

"You alright, Sam?" He asked as he waited a moment before lightly throwing the ball. Sam caught it in both hands and thought for a moment before nodding.

"I'm good...just...I don't know, it's funny." Sam said as he threw the ball.

"What is?" Ed smiled as he threw the ball back. Sam caught it and again looked at the ball. In the dim light it was difficult to see the details of Sam's face but his voice was fully of bitterness.

"Well it's a lot of things." Sam started as he seemed to squeeze the tennis ball. "I mean the first thing that comes to mind is that I almost broke your wrist an hour ago and here you are playing catch with me. But, maybe it's more the fact that you didn't flip out of me; you did't fight back even though you could have, you didn't kick me out of your house, you didn't mind leaving your son alone with me, I mean, how many times do I need to screw up for you to ditch me like everyone else in my life has? But then there's the fact that you're out here, just hanging out with me like you would hang out and have a catch with Clark, and I can't even remember a time when I did anything like this with the General...with my Dad. Or maybe, just maybe, it's the fact that I don't remember ever having a normal family dinner and I'm freaked out that I'm going to screw things up even more than I already have." Sam took a few deep breaths as he finished venting his anger and confusion before throwing the ball slightly harder to Ed. He caught it and nodded.

"Sam, I will never" He paused to add emphasis as he spoke in a serious tone. "never abandon you. No one on the team would ever do that and you will never screw up badly enough that any of us will stop being your friends; you know why?" He didn't wait for a response. "Because when you think 'screw up' we know that you're human and you're not perfect. None of us are perfect Sam and we don't expect you to be." He paused and let the sentence sink in as he held the ball. Sam looked at him for a moment, shadows of disbelief on his face. "Do you understand, Sam? Because we are not just coworkers and we are not just a team, we're family." Sam smirked a bit at the term as he caught the ball and held it.

"I don't know what family is." He said simply, a sad tone defying the expression on his face.

"You do Sam, you do." Ed paused a moment to get his attention again. "It sounds like you were a great big brother," Sam smiled a bit as he tried to hold back the tear that came to his eye. "and I know that if you were my son I'd be proud." Anger flashed across Sam's face as he tensed his muscles again. Ed knew that he'd triggered something with that one so he backed off and let Sam throw the ball, hard, back to him. He caught it in his right hand and shook the sting out before looking up. "You okay, Sam?" He asked as he lightly threw the ball back. Sam paused a moment before nodding.

"I'm good." He threw the ball more gently this time but he still looked angry and bitter. Silence returned and the darkness now fully engulfed them. Each time the ball left one of their hands it seemed more and more likely that it would hit one of them in the face if they continued. Ed had considered suggesting going inside but the catch and the conversation had been so fruitful that he hadn't wanted to change anything. The backdoor of the home opened and Clark popped his head out.

"Dad, Sam," He called out. "Dinner's going to be done in ten minutes." He squinted as he tried to make them out in the darkness.

"Thanks buddy, we'll be in in a minute." Ed called as he threw the ball again. Sam caught it and stood still for a moment. He took a few deep breaths and calmed his expression before walking towards the back door. Ed followed and closed the back door behind him as they made their way to the kitchen.

Clark's eyes were red as he stirred a pot on the stove. A timer was counting down the few minutes left on one of the pots as he looked up at his father. Ed looked around the kitchen and then at Clark. "Where's mom?" He asked. Clark bit the inside of his lip before looking at the calendar on the inside of a cabinet door.

"She was making a list of the birthday cards she needed to buy for the month and...well she saw..." Clark shook his head slightly as he took a ragged breath. He turned back to the stove as a timer went off and he wiped his eyes. Ed walked over to the calendar and looked through the birthdays, confirming what he thought, Lou's birthday would have been three weeks away.

"Come here Clark." He said as Clark turned down the heat and took a pot off the stove. Ed engulfed him in a hug and kept him there until another timer went off. Clark nodded and went back to taking over the cooking. Ed motioned for Sam to sit down. "I'll be back in a minute." He said as he walked through the home and up the stairs looking for Sophie.

Sam stood stiffly in the corner, not sure what to do. Clark stood at the stove, hiding his face and moving quickly to stir one pot and another. He was trying hard to keep a stoic face but his bloodshot, puffy eyes and his occasional sniffles gave him away. Sam softened his face and approached Clark slowly, unsure of exactly what he wanted to do. He placed a gentle hand on his shoulder and squeezed lightly, a simple gesture, strikingly similar to the one that Ed had tried with Sam earlier in the day, but a significant one.

"I'm sorry, Sam...I just...I don't know." Clark said, resigned as he dropped a spoon next to a pot. Sam pulled slightly at his shoulder, slowly turning him around. He leaned over slightly to get eye contact with Clark before he started speaking.

"Don't you ever be afraid to cry. You got that Clark?" He asked seriously as he kept looking at Clark's teary eyes. "Don't fight your feelings, Clark. You don't have to." He paused for a moment before continuing. "Your Dad, he's a great man and he knows how important it is to have emotions even if he doesn't like to show them. I wish..." He paused for a moment. "My father was never...He will never be able to understand that." He waited for Clark to nod before stepping back and seeing Ed in the door of the kitchen leaning against the wall. He chose not to remark on the conversation as he stepped into the kitchen.

"Soph will be down in a minute." He said as he started moving dishes from the counter to the table. Clark finished turning off the rest of the stove and helped his father moving the rest of the plates. "What do you want to drink, Sam?" Ed asked as he went to the refrigerator.

"Water's fine, thanks." Sam said with slightly downcast eyes. Ed nodded and, on his way back to the table, pulled Clark into another hug. He whispered something in his ear which Clark nodded to and they continued going about their business. Sophie came into the kitchen, her eyes still a bit teary, and looked over the food.

"Wow Clark." She said with a smile. "At least I know I can leave you and Dad at home and you could cook something without burning down the house." She said with a smile. Ed rolled his eyes and looked at Sam.

"One time. One time there's a small incident and I can never cook again apparently." He said with a smile.

"Well Dad, you were making pasta and you somehow managed to set a fire and have to use the fire extinguisher...I mean, is that even physically possible? The food is engulfed in water..." Clark trailed off in thought as they all (except Ed) laughed.

"It's possible, trust me." He said with a serious inflection. Clark and Sophie sat down and they all began to scoop out portions of food onto their plates. Sam sat quietly at first, not sure what to do or say, but he was acutely aware of Ed's subtle glances and smiles in his direction. Exhaustion was really kicking in, between the long night he'd had keeping watch and the longer day he'd had chipping away at the walls that contained his vulnerabilities he was drained. He tried to focus on eating and not thinking but he knew that he would not be leaving this house until he completely broke down those walls, until a flood of emotion would overcome him and he was very afraid of the repercussions that flood would bring him.

_More to come soon. I know I keep saying two more chapters but it keeps taking more a lot longer than I think to write what I want. Wow that was a really confusing way of putting it. Let's put it this way: there are two more moments in my head (maybe three or four depending on how I break it up, but two big moments) that should each definitely comprise a full chapter but it's more the transitions that I'm never able to estimate. I know that still doesn't make much sense, let's just say a few more chapters. Stay tuned and review. _


	15. Chapter 14

Shooting At Shadows-Chapter 14

_I just want to finish this already! Hopefully I'll get it done today because my computer is spazzing out on me. God, the month of February officially hates me: the entire left side of my body hurts, we still have feet of snow on the ground, a blackout, and computer crashing all in the course of writing this story...I think it's a sign to finish it up. So tell me what you think. Still don't own anything. _

He had tried to let go and enjoy the dinner, it had been a really long time since he'd had a real, home-cooked, feast like Sophie and Clark had laid out for them. He hadn't eaten since Monday morning and he should have been starving but for some reason he felt like he wasn't able to eat. He had barley been able to clear his plate when Sophie pulled brownies out of the oven for dessert. Even though he had barley eaten, he was stuffed, his nerves actually calmed a bit by the fullness of his stomach. Clark and Sophie were cleaning up in the kitchen as Ed and Sam moved to the living room and returned to their spots on the couches.

Sam knew it was coming, knew that he had to tell Ed everything, right then and there or else it would eat at him the rest of his life. He'd hidden it for years, he'd carefully constructed masks and walls to keep his emotions and anger contained but they had shattered. The walls in his mind were on their last leg and were ready to be broken down, he just needed to come up with the words to express it. Ed took a deep breath, interrupting Sam's thoughts for a moment.

"Sam, just wanted to say that you've done a really great job today. I know you didn't want to do this but I'm really happy you have." Ed paused a moment before continuing. "And I know that, if after everything you've told me you're still holding something back, it must be something really painful." Ed's face was sympathetic and his tone was gentle as he continued. "So I want to give you a choice here. I can call Greg and you can talk to him if you'd rather me not know something, I get that, no questions asked." He paused and looked at Sam but his expression didn't give much away. "I can call the doc who's doing the psych evals tomorrow and see if he can fit you in tonight." He saw Sam's obvious dislike of this idea in his scowl. "Or, you can talk to me. No guarantees what'll happen after though. We might just be able to move on and keep it between us but I might have to call Greg depending on some things." Ed finished and waited for Sam to respond. He seemed to be rocking in his seat again as he thought. He didn't look up when he started speaking.

"I'll talk to you...I just...I don't know, it's..." He shook his head again as he tried to think of a way to phrase what he wanted to say. He didn't even know what he wanted to say, he just knew what he had to say. He didn't give himself time to think as he blurted out what was on his mind all night. "The night after Sara's funeral the General beat me so bad that I got a concussion, three broken ribs, a broken wrist, and a skull fracture. That was the first time. Every time after, he told me that feeling the pain meant I wasn't dead like my sister and that as long as I was alive I should at least suffer for letting her die." Tears slipped from Sam's eyes but his expression was one of pure anger. His voice was caught in a carefully controlled whisper as he stared at his feet. "So I took it. Every kick and punch, every time he used his belt or whatever else was lying around, I took it until he got tired or until he knocked me out." He paused as he took some deep breaths to keep his anger in check. "No backtalk." He recited. "No complaining." His face was contorted as he breathed heavily. "No crying." He practically spat as he bit his lip and squeezed his fingers into tight fists.

Ed saw the anger rising in Sam and thought about how to deescalate things and keep him from hurting himself. There was blood in his hands from his fingernails biting into his palms. He rocked in his seat more quickly now as he put his head in his bloody hands. He was breathing quickly and the sounds must have gone into the kitchen because Clark appeared in the door.

"Sam?" He said worriedly. Ed tried to give him a look to express to give him a minute but Sam looked up at Clark. His face was still filled with rage but after looking at Clark for a few moments it softened and changed, he almost looked pained. Tears still ran down his face as he took control of his breathing.

"S...sorry." Sam said, surprised by his own voice. It seemed deeper, harder than usual. He looked at his hands and saw the blood. "Shit." He whispered to himself as he realized the blood was probably all over his face.

"It's okay." Clark said calmly. "I'll get the first aid kit again." He smiled and disappeared into the kitchen for a moment before returning. Ed nodded to Clark as he left the room. Both men starred at the kit for a moment before Sam carefully reached for the latch, trying to avoid dripping blood anywhere.

"I can do it if you want, Sam." Ed said very consciously keeping his voice soft. Sam tried to say something but eventually shook his head and grabbed a roll of gauze. He wrapped his left palm and then his right, a temporary solution at best, but he wasn't sure he could deal with anyone being close to him right now. The bruises of his past almost seemed to surface again and he felt his skin burning. His t-shirt and shorts felt heavy, unnatural against his skin and any contact with the couch made him jump. He was feeling claustrophobic again and was itching to move. He stood and started to pace again as Ed also rose. "You okay, Sam?" It took him a moment of deep breaths before he said anything.

"Yeah, just need to move...just...don't touch me." Sam added the reminder to his desperate explanation. Ed nodded and took a step back.

"I won't do that, Sam. You just want to move, I hear you. Just tell me when you're ready to talk." Ed said as he let silence fall. Sam continued to pace for a few minutes taking deep breaths as he went. He felt dizzy, he'd never told anyone about his childhood to that extent. The General had convinced people that he'd been in a car accident the first time. Everything after that was some stupid accident or a sports injury, and if anyone ever suspected anything they'd never had the guts to confront the General. The war was not what had broken him. His sister's death had not broken him. It was the guilt, the blame, the hatred that had changed a boy into a man far too early in life. The guilt and blame and hatred that had made him cold and closed him off to the world. The breaking of bones was nothing compared to the breaking of spirit. Bones healed, emotions were concealed, but Sam changed forever that day. He chanced a glance at Ed. He was standing by his chair patiently looking at Sam. His expression showed obvious pain and sympathy. Sam took a few more deep breaths before slowing his pace and sitting back down. He nodded a bit and Ed did the same.

"I'm okay." He said, more as a reminder to himself. Ed nodded and seemed to think.

"Sam, I'm really glad you were able to tell me that. I know it was really exceptionally difficult for you but thank you." Ed said sincerely before continuing. "And I'm really sorry that you had to go through those things alone when you were a kid, no one deserves that and it's amazing that you survived to be this awesome person you are today." Ed's genuine tone was comforting to Sam. "And I hope you know that you're father...no, no father's don't do that..." Ed said, letting his anger slip though for a moment. "I hope you know that the asshole who hurt you was wrong. It's not your fault that Sara died and you don't deserve to suffer." Ed saw Sam shaking his head slightly in disagreement and raised his head a bit. "You don't agree?" He asked with a slight tone of disbelief peeking through. Sam continued to shake his head before speaking, a scowl on his face.

"Even if it wasn't my fault then, I deserve everything I get now; other people have died because of me...good people have died because of me." Sam said in a heavy voice.

"Listen Sam, I know where you're coming from here. Our job, it's something only a certain kind of person can do, but when go home we need to remember that we're only keeping the peace." Sam was quick to sarcastically nod and intercede.

"Just like there are casualties in war." He continued before Ed could interrupt. "All the things we say to let us sleep at night, they don't work for me anymore." He said bitterly. He looked up at Ed with tears again in his eyes. "Matt was not supposed to be a causality of war and Lou was not supposed to die keeping the peace." His voice was firm and it took Ed a moment to recover from the strong statement.

"Their deaths, Sam," Ed waited to make sure Sam was listening. "Their deaths were not your fault." Ed was equally as strong in his convictions. Sam was still shaking his head but he seemed to be faltering a bit. Sometimes all that was needed to break someone's mindset was a direct contradiction of their ideas but Ed knew it would take a lot more time for Sam to release himself of his guilt.

"I killed Matt. There's no way around that one Ed." Sam said bitterly as Ed interrupted.

"You were cleared to shoot Sam. You might have pulled the trigger but someone else rushed that command and it's their fault that you shot." Ed kept speaking before Sam could continue. "And you are not at fault for Lou. You didn't place bombs all around the city and plant a land-mine." Ed said firmly.

"I should have done something." Sam said quietly as tears came back to his angry eyes. "Spike might be the bomb expert but I've dealt with more land-mines in the field." He shook his head vehemently before Ed could speak again. "I should have tried harder to find something to do, some way to help him." Sam was angry but he was also in tears. He was absentmindedly scratching at his scared knuckles and was progressively drawing blood. Ed looked from Sam's face to his hands and tried to get his attention.

"Sam," he said firmly but got no response. "Sam, stop that." He said in a bit more of a command. Sam was rocking again in his seat and seemed to be stuck in his thoughts as Ed debated what to do. He usually wouldn't have questioned moving next to him and physically holding him back but since the revelation of his father's abuse he was hesitant to get any closer and possibly trigger him. It had been an emotional day but he didn't want to see Sam hurt anymore. He was about to go over to Sam and probably take another punch when Clark peeked back into the room biting his lip. Sam was so stuck in his head that he didn't notice. Clark's eyes were pained as he came into the room but his expression and voice were strong.

"Let me." Clark said, almost demanded, as he made eye contact with his father. Ed thought for a moment before nodding. He watched carefully as Clark sat on the couch next to Sam. He stayed still for a minute but it didn't seem that Sam realized the new presence next to him. Clark slowly raised his shaking hands and placed them lightly on both of Sam's hands, preventing him from scratching at his bleeding wounds. Sam seemed to tense with the new contact but after looking at Clark carefully for a moment relaxed. Clark started softly whispering to Sam and he visibly relaxed. "It's okay. You're okay, Sam." He repeated the phrases as Sam leaned back on the couch and let the tears roll down his face. Ed saw the scene unfolding before him and stepped into the kitchen still able to hear what was going on in the next room but far enough away that he couldn't be heard clearly. He looked around and saw that the dishes were drying and realized that Sophie was probably in their room, she was really torn up. Ed turned to his phone dialed the long memorized number and waited for the familiar voice to replace the ringing.

When Greg picked up, he sounded frustrated. He had just watched Spike storm off into the night after refusing help and his mind was racing with the different possibilities.

"Eddie, how we doing?" He asked while attempting to calm down.

"Clark's with him now...he's crying, boss." Ed knew that Greg would understand the depth of that statement and he heard him recollect himself over the phone and redirect his focus towards Ed.

"Has he talked to you?" He asked hoping that one of his team members was making strides towards acceptance.

"Yeah, he's talked a lot. There's a whole lot we didn't know." Ed didn't want to spend too long away from Sam and Clark and made the difficult decision. "You free? I warned him that I might have to call you and...well I think that you need to hear some of this."

"I can be there in fifteen minutes." Greg said as Ed confirmed that that would be fine. He hung up the phone and went back into the living room. Sam had seemed to calm a bit. Clark must have rebandaged his hand and he was now sitting next to Sam, a hand resting on his shoulder. Ed slowly sat back down before speaking.

"The Boss is on his way." He waited for some sign from Sam but didn't get much of a response. "You okay with that Sam?" He asked. After a long minute of silence Sam slowly nodded.

"I figured it would come to that point." He paused, still not looking at Ed. "What did you tell him?"

"Not really anything specific. He knew that we went for a run and that you ended up coming back here and we were talking." Ed tried not to leave anything out, that's all he'd really told Greg and he was kind of regretting bringing him in blind; a lot had transpired since they'd last seen each other. Sam nodded again as the room returned to silence. Clark looked from Sam to Ed not sure if he should stay or go but before a question formed the doorbell rang. Sam tensed at the sound but tried to keep himself composed. Ed nodded at Clark to go answer it and he stood and left the room. The short conversation was clear at the door.

"Clark, how you doing, you okay?" Greg asked in a sympathetic voice. Clark didn't answer immediately but softly replied after a moment.

"I...I'll be okay."

"Good." Greg replied before changing the topic. "Your Dad called, asked me to come over,"

"Yeah, they're in the living room." Clark said as they heard footsteps in the hall. "You want something to drink?" He offered as they entered the living room.

"No thanks, Clark." Greg said as he nodded at the boy with a smile. He nodded back and lingered in the door for a minute.

"I'll...I'll be around, call me if you need anything." He said as he turned to look at his father.

"Thanks buddy." He said as Greg came further into the room and removed his light sweatshirt. Greg sat on the other side of Ed's couch, he was almost directly in front of Sam so the three men formed a skewed triangle. He had a small smile on his face as he took stock of both of them. His eyes roamed over Ed first, surprised to see his wrist wrapped tightly in a bandage. He shifted his gaze to Sam who had his head in his hands again. Though he couldn't see his face Greg was able to see quite a few bandages and wounds on his arms and legs.

"You guys had one hell of a day off, huh?" He asked jokingly as he closed the first aid kit on the table. Ed smiled slightly but Sam made no move. He took a breath and changed his made his inflection more serious but still friendly and calm. "Sam, I just want to know you're okay. If you want to tell me more than I'd like that but I just need to know what's going on..." There was a long pause as Sam thought about what he wanted to say to Greg. _They'll be plenty of time in the future to tell him everything. _Sam thought to himself. _But right now, I really just need to get some sleep...good as place as any to start._ He took a few deep breaths before looking up. He didn't really look directly at Ed or Greg as he started to speak.

"I've had a really long day," He said as he saw Ed nod out of the corner of his eye. "and it hasn't really helped that I haven't been sleeping well. Last night I didn't sleep because I was convinced I was surrounded by insurgents who were out to kill us, today I pulled a knife in the middle of a hiking trail because I thought I'd set off a trip wire, I've been opening up old wounds to let the pain shield me from thinking. I've been having dreams...nightmares about Afghanistan and I keep cycling back and seeing the friends I've lost..." Sam paused for a moment to think about anything else he should say. "There's more stuff from my past that I've told Ed and honestly I'm not too keen on repeating again...it was the first time I've said a lot of it and...and I'm just really exhausted." Sam said as he leaned back on the couch again. Greg sat attentively listening, holding onto any questions as he thought hard about what he'd been told. He knew that there was more he wasn't being told but he was okay with it. Sam had never been so open with him and even if it was completely out of exhaustion that he was saying these things, it was still a big step in a good direction.

"Okay." Greg said with a nod and a sympathetic voice. "I'm really glad you're talking, Sam; it's a good thing even if it's an unfamiliar thing." Greg glanced at Ed and saw that he seemed satisfied with the narrative. "I get that you're exhausted, I bet Ed is and I definitely am, so here's what I'm thinking and you tell me if you don't like this." Greg paused and waited for Sam to look at him. "I think that you stay here tonight if Ed and Sophie are okay with that," Ed was already nodding that he was welcome. "and tomorrow Ed's going to go with you to the psych evaluation incase you need his help telling the doctor something but he won't stay the whole time, just to make sure the doctor's apprised of the situation." Greg looked at Ed who was nodding that he liked the idea. "What do you think, Sam?"

Sam thought for a moment on the proposition. He wasn't exactly sure what to make of the offer. Part of him felt babied by his friends and his bosses but more of him appreciated the support. He wasn't exactly sure what had caused him to divulge so much today but he wasn't sure he'd be able to do it again after some thinking and a good night's rest. He nodded slowly.

"This isn't punishment, Sam." Greg said with a firm voice, making sure his point got across. "I mean, this sounds a little like PTSD to be honest and I'm guessing it's going to be a short term thing; you've had a really unbelievably stressful few days and I think it's just drudging up some other memories." Greg nodded with a look that only he was able to accomplish: something between sympathy and commanding. "You're going to be okay Sam. Know that. It's gonna be okay." Greg assured as Sam nodded, a tear slipping down his face. He leaned back on the couch again, nearly asleep.

"It's been a long day Sam, what do you say we get you set up in the guest room?" Ed asked as he got up and called up the stairs. "Hey Clark, could you grab the extra bedding from the closet? Sam's going to be staying the night." Clark called down that he would and Ed returned to the room. "Come on buddy." Ed said as he offered and arm to help Sam up. He looked at it carefully, flinching a bit as it came close to him but he eventually wrapped his fingers around it and pulled himself to his feet. He was a bit unsteady from the exhaustion and dizziness so Greg softly took hold of his other arm and they helped him up the stairs.

Clark was in the process of making the bed when the three men came into the room. He looked at them for a minute not sure whether to help them with Sam or finish the bed. Ed kept a firm hold on one of Sam's arms as Greg broke free and helped Clark finish with the bedding. Ed helped Sam over to the bed when they were finished and sat him on the edge before taking off his shoes. Greg put a pillow behind his head as he fell backwards and was asleep before anyone could speak. They quietly left the room and went back downstairs, Clark trailing behind them a bit. Ed collapsed onto the couch and closed his eyes for a moment before siting up and looking at Greg. "Long day." Was his only explanation as Greg nodded in agreement. "Spike and Wordy?" He asked shortly. Words had been going through his head all day and night and he was not a really a talker like Greg was.

"Wordy's doing okay, good as can be expected. Shelly and the girls'll help him through it." Greg nodded as his face contorted into a worried look. "I'm worried about Spike." He simply, knowing Ed wasn't really up for long winded explanations. Ed nodded as Clark inched into the room. He sat up a bit and patted the cushion next to him motioning for Clark to sit down.

"You did great today, Clark. Thank you." Ed said sincerely as he looked at his son. Clark looked from Ed to Greg with worry written on his face.

"Is Sam okay?" His voice cracked a bit as he spoke, exhaustion also evident in his face. Ed and Greg both nodded.

"It'll take some time, he's got a lot of really deep seeded stuff, but he's also surrounded by some of the greatest people in the world. He'll be fine buddy." Ed assured as he fell back into the couch, his arm around Clark's shoulders.

_This turned out to be a really long chapter, sorry, but I have this thing, I don't want it to be longer than my "Nothing's Broken" story. P.S. If you were itching for me to tell you what's going on with Spike and Wordy, read that one. Reviews please, one more chapter and I'm hoping to finish it tonight!_


	16. Chapter 15

Shooting At Shadows-Chapter 15

_So this is probably going to be the last chapter of this one, finally! It never takes me this long to write something, life just really got in the way of my writing and it really killed my muse but I finally started getting into this story (I know, just as I finish). Oh well, tell me what you think about the end, really out of character? This doesn't feel like it's as emotional a resolution as "Nothing's Broken" was but the story itself was really emotional so I guess it balances out. And just so you know, there's some stuff direct from my other story, so don't worry, it's not deja vu. Alright, here we go. Still don't own anything, still would love to hear what you think. _

Sam liked feeling the cool breeze rushing into him while he biked down the city streets. Sometimes the air woke him up, sometimes it calmed him down, but tonight it was merely a reminder that he was in the right place. He pedaled a few times before allowing himself to coast down the shoulder of the road. He inhaled the cool air and felt it fill his body. Part of him thought about the dense heat he'd been engulfed by in Afghanistan, you couldn't move without sweating and sweating made the uniforms heavy and just slowed the entire day. The cold invigorated him. He pedaled up a small hill towards Headquarters, Greg had wanted to meet with the team before they started the next morning and he knew that he would have to update them on the week. Overall, things had gone pretty well. Though he hated the psych evaluation and he hated going to therapy, he was told it would most likely be short term. The more compelling reason for going was that it was a stipulation of his returning to the team; he and Ed had talked extensively and the only way they would allow him back was if he was being taken care of, even if it was only for a few weeks.

He pulled back on the handlebars and got himself onto a curb as he slowed his bike and pushed it into the rack. As he took off his helmet he saw Jules pull into the parking garage under the SRU building. He hurriedly locked up his bike and jogged towards her parking spot.

"Jules," He called out as she got out of the car. She turned and smiled as she saw him approach, a smile on his face.

"Hey Sam," She said as they hugged. Jules had been worried about Sam after the showing on the hiking trail but Ed had called and assured her that Sam would be fine. Though she fully trusted Ed's judgment, she didn't believe any of their assertions until she had seen Sam for herself and they had spoken. They had not spent much time together over the week but they had gone for drinks after the memorial service with the team and had talked afterwards. Sam didn't tell Jules everything, she was sure of that, but he explained that they thought he was going through a bit of PTSD and that he'd been in therapy. Though she wished she got more of an explanation, she was satisfied with the idea that Sam was at least talking to someone. They started to climb the stairs to the SRU floor. Sam held the final door open for Jules as he jokingly spoke.

"What do you wanna bet someone's going to say something about us coming in together?" He laughed as they rounded a corner and came to the briefing room. Greg sat at the head of the table with Wordy and Ed on either side of him. They all looked up with smiles as Sam and Jules came through the doors.

"Did you guys carpool or something?" Ed asked with a light tone.

"No, we met in the parking lot thank you very much." Sam said firmly.

"Check the CCTV footage if you don't believe us." Jules added for good measure. Wordy and Ed looked at each other.

"Good idea." Wordy said as he and Ed rose from their chairs.

"Maybe later boys." Greg said as he coaxed them into their chairs again. Sam and Jules took their places on Ed's side of the table. They looked at the two empty chairs in front of them and Ed checked his watch.

"Still five minutes to seven." He said with a half hearted nod. Greg replied with the same nod and, after a few moments of silence, Wordy asked Sam if he saw the hockey game the night before. The chatter continued as Greg half paid attention, half watched the hands on the clock in front of him. It was now almost 7:05. For most members of the team it would be completely normal, even if not well received, to be a few minutes late but Spike was always the punctual one (unless he was working on a prank). Greg was getting ready to call his phone when he heard the door to the stairwell open and close and soft footsteps coming down the hall. Spike turned into the room and gave a slight nod as he went around the table and sat in his spot next to Wordy. He subtly tried to roll his chair as far away form his team mate as possible without bumping into the one next to him, the one that was usually occupied by Lou.

"Glad you guys could all make it." Greg said as he called for their attention. Wordy and Ed had small smiles on their faces as they looked at Greg. It never got easier to lose a team mate and a friend but both Wordy and Ed had experienced it before and Greg knew it. Though they were by no means fine, they were getting closer. Sam was a bit of a wildcard in Greg's eyes. He had lost friends and team mates in war but that was a very different experience than losing someone at home where it was supposed to be safe and land mine free. Sam looked tired but overall better than he had earlier in the week. He still seemed haunted behind his eyes but he looked to be adjusting to his new idea of reality (though Greg still made a mental note to watch him closely). Jules looked fairly drained, Greg was sure that she had cried often during the week in her time alone, but with her team she put on a tough face. She didn't have to, the team knew that she was the toughest one around but her reputation as the only female on an SRU team was important to her, she didn't want to be seen as weak by anyone.

Spike definitely looked the worst around the table and Greg was sure that he also felt the worst. He hadn't allowed anyone in on his emotions and it didn't seem like he'd really left his home much over the past week. Spike was slouched in his chair as far away from the group as anyone could be and he looked in the direction of Greg but not at him. Spike's eyes seemed dead, there was no light, no energy, no hope it seemed. Though the physical wounds were healing, his emotional pain seemed to deepen every passing moment.

"This isn't official or anything, I just really wanted to check in on all of you and get in here before we start again tomorrow. I'm going to be straight with you guys, I've spoken to Commander Halloran, I tried to see if he'd give us a week to get back into the swing of things before we had to run trials but..." Greg shook his head. "SRU teams need seven members to be field active. We're starting tomorrow morning, we've got about 35 potentials but I think that number will sharply decrease after we get through with them." Greg smiled slightly. No one wanted to do recruitment trials under these circumstances. Though they were trying, no one really wanted to move on. Filling Lou's spot on the team made it permanent.

"Anyone have something they want to say or talk about, anything?" Greg asked. He knew that there was tension in the room, it was like a fog, it lulled there in between everyone, suffocating them. Greg looked at Ed and Wordy, hoping they would start something and make it acceptable for the rest to follow. Wordy nodded slightly.

"Yeah," He turned and looked towards Spike. "Claire wanted me to tell you to feel better. She was sorry that she said anything, she just...she didn't really understand. She made you a card." Wordy said as he pulled a glittery piece of paper out of his bag. Spike accepted it and looked at the crayon handwriting. It was hard to read if you didn't see six year old font often, so Wordy leaned closer and translated. "It says, 'Dear Uncle Spike, I'm sorry that you're sad that Uncle Lou is in heaven now. I hope you feel happy again soon so we can build more forts and you can tell me stories about my Daddy. Love, Claire'" Wordy finished and leaned back in his chair. Through the grape vine (mainly Wordy and Ed) Jules and Sam had learned of the events at Wordy's home and mostly understood the sentiment. Spike stayed silent for a minute and without looking up from the card, spoke.

"That's really sweet, pass on that I said thank you." The team was shocked by how deadened his voice was. It was horse and monotone, most of them had never heard Spike sound so...unSpikelike. After a pause, Wordy responded.

"Will do buddy." He wasn't hiding the concern in his voice or his expression. There was an awkward moment of silence as everyone tried to figure out how to gently address the elephant in the room.

"Spike," Ed started softly. "I know I speak for everyone hear when I say this: we care about you so much Spike. We hate seeing you hurting like this, please, just talk to us buddy." Ed pleaded, his voice was sincere and his expression concerned. The team sat quietly as they looked at Spike. He wasn't really looking at any of them, his gaze seemed to be fixed to the wall behind them. He slowly got out of his chair and started walking towards the door.

"You guys are really awesome, thanks for everything." Spike said as he turned on his heels and walked down the hallway towards the locker rooms. It took the team a moment to process what had just happened. Ed came out of his shocked stare first.

"That isn't a good sign." He said, breaking Greg's train of thought.

"No, no it isn't." Greg said as he got up and followed Spike down the hall. The rest of the team began to rise but he stopped them. "Give me a few minutes, I don't want to overwhelm him." The team reluctantly sat down and Ed called down the hall.

"You've got 15 minutes, then we're coming in."

"Copy." Greg called from down the hallway. The rest of the team sat uncomfortably in their chairs, not really sure what to say or do. Wordy seemed to be in a daze as Ed looked at him.

"You good Wordy?" He asked softly.

"Yeah, I'm good, just worried about him." He replied as he was broken from his deep thoughts. They all nodded their agreement as the room fell back into silence.

"Sam, Jules, you guys okay, anything you want to say?" Ed asked as he tried to take over and make the next thirteen minutes go quickly. Jules shook her head and Sam looked like he was thinking. Ed tilted his head up and tried to express that he was receptive to anything that he needed to say. He looked over at Ed with a slight smile.

"I just wanted to thank you and Sophie and Clark for being so great to me and for having me." He said with a nod. Ed smiled.

"It was no problem, like I said, Clark was especially happy to have you over, he really idolizes you guys." Ed said with a nod.

"What now?" Jules asked as they sat around in silence for a few minutes.

"Well," Ed started, "I'm not sure of all the specifics, but in nine minutes we're going into that locker room." They all nodded in agreement as they starred at the clock and counted down the seconds until they would be able to help their friend. They tried to wait patiently but they were all anxious to move. After fourteen minutes of waiting Ed stood from his seat. "Okay, that's it, we're going in there." Ed said as he moved slightly to the head of the table and began to speak. "I don't want to overwhelm them so, I'm going to crack the door and see if I can hear anything, then we'll stratagize." They all nodded as Ed walked from the briefing room only to nearly run down Greg and Spike who were walking towards the door to the elevator. Greg seemed to tell Ed something and they spoke for a moment before Ed nodded and the other two left the building.

"So?" Wordy asked impatiently. Ed held up his hand a sign that he needed to think before speaking. He looked shocked by something and a bit angry.

"Um...Spike and Greg need to do something, they're not going to be here for the recruitment trials tomorrow." Ed said still carefully picking his words.

"What do they need to do?" Jules asked, wondering what would take all night and all of the following day. Ed thought for a moment before speaking again.

"I honestly don't know." He said sincerely.

"There's something you're not telling us..." Wordy said in a slightly frustrated tone. He knew that Ed was trying to give them as much information as possible, but he'd also known Ed long enough to know when he was withholding something big. Ed thought for a moment before nodding slightly.

"Yeah...I am." He said sadly before shaking his head and thinking for a moment. "But it's not my place to tell you." He paused and looked at each of them slowly. "There are things about all of you that I know and that I keep to myself because it's not my place to tell, this is one of those times and I'm sorry about it." His expression was pained as he looked at all of them but they all understood his dilemma.

"I get it." Wordy said, Jules and Sam mimicking his understanding nod.

"Thanks guys." Ed said as he took a breath. "It's up to us to run these trials in the morning, so I expect you here and ready to grill these wannabes at 6 AM sharp." He said with a sad smile. They all nodded their agreement as Wordy got up and gave Ed a hug.

"It's getting cold Sam, you want a ride?" Wordy offered as Jules and Sam rose from their seats.

"No thanks, I'm gonna stick around for a little." Sam said vaguely. Wordy understood the expression and nodded as he left. Sam felt like a kid staying after class to talk to the teacher as Ed sat himself at the table and laid out recruit files in front of him.

"What's up, Sam?" Ed asked as he turned his chair and looked into Sam's clear blue eyes.

"Just wanted to say thanks again, for...well everything. I know you're not really big on emotions and talking but...you were right, it helps." Sam said as he shifted his weight from one foot to the other.

"Glad to hear that Sam." Ed said as he pulled up a chair. "Want to go through some of these files with me? I mean, they're going to be your team mate." Ed said as he passed a file to him as he sat down. He opened the folder and saw a resume starting at him. "These are thick files." He said as he flipped through pages of reports and recommendations.

"You don't get to SRU without a lot of history." Ed said as he looked up and saw Sam staring off through the window. "Seriously, it's been five minutes, you're already zoning out on me?" Ed asked jokingly.

"Paperwork's not really my thing." Sam said with a smile.

"Mine either, but it's reality as you move up the ranks." Ed said as he looked at Sam who returned a questioning expression.

"You're perfect in everything physical: shooting, tactics, close combat; the only thing that's been stopping you from mastering negotiation is your past and, now that you're letting yourself get a handle on your emotions, that'll come. Only thing left is paperwork." Ed said as he pointed at a huge stack of files. "Because Sam, you're destined to move up the ranks, this is where you're meant to be." Ed finished with a smile as Sam let a hint of pride show on his face. He nodded after a moment and turned to Ed.

"I know." He said as he leaned forward in the chair and pushed his face closer to the file. "This is where I'm meant to be."

_That's it! Finally! Tell me what you think, I hope you liked the end, not too much of a resolution, but it's something. If you have no idea what is happening with Spike and you're planning on killing me, you need to read my other story, "Nothing's Broken." I hope you guys liked it, thanks for reading it, got a lot longer than I thought it would. Some one shots are going to come up next (I've got fourish ideas) and then I've got another long one floating around my mind. Thanks again for all the awesome encouragement and for reading, review the ending pretty please. P.S. Creepy alert: this is only almost exactly 500 words shorter than "Nothing's Broken..." I have no idea what to make of it but it's kind of freaking me out. (That's minus all my ramblings before and after the chapters and my author's note in this one). Creepy..._


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